Mostly Whatnot

Two Heartbeats

2012-02-01T19:40:00.003-06:00

Today, in my never ending quest to figure out what's going on inside of me, I and a nursing colleague (and friend) checked my belly with a doppler. For the first time I found two distinct heartbeats - one on either side of my uterus. One was ticking at 145, the other at 160. I could hear them both moving too - cool!

I've gotta say, I have strong mixed feelings. On one hand I hope Baby B can go sooner than later if it's inevitable. On the other hand I love them both and I love that there are two growing inside of me. It's kind of like I have to allow myself to enjoy the awe-inspiring parts of this journey. My belly is growing like crazy, my appetite is incredible, and I'm feeling movement.

Two days til the fetal assessment and NT test. Here's hoping we learn a little more about each of these precious lives. I'm feeling well physically and generally labile emotionally. For the most part I haven't lost my optimism and cope quite well if I focus on the here and now and put worry about the future in it's place.

Status Quo

2012-01-30T18:01:00.002-06:00

Ahhh... routine. It feels so good to be doing what I do. Balancing between work and home. I'm feeling generally well. Looking forward to what we'll learn on Friday's ultrasound.

It's living in the unknown (a place well known to many) that drives me nuts. If I knew what to expect, I could gather my strength and prepare to face it. But patience isn't a particularly strong point of mine and this wait and see approach is challenging.

It would be so great to de-stress at the gym. But that would be unwise. All I can really do is take care of myself. That's something I know how to do.

Today

2012-01-28T19:14:00.002-06:00

Things have been relatively stable between posts. Generally I feel like I have my head on straight and am pretty at peace with how things are and how they may be.

This morning started rough though. I woke up feeling kind of fragile and shortly after that had another significant bleed. That's three in under three weeks. These last for a few hours, then settle down to a manageable level. I haven't returned to the hospital. I wish I could have another ultrasound to see what's going on inside but that won't happen unless things change significantly until next Friday.

Sometimes I'd just like to be done with this pregnancy and try again. I wish things would either get worse or settle. This in between stuff is tiring. Thankfully I have faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to, hope that things might get better, strength to cope with one day at a time and a fantastic network of family and friends.

Results from Ultrasound #2

2012-01-24T16:58:00.002-06:00

Confirms what we were told about the first. Hydrops, polyhydramnios, a baby in distress. I hope he doesn't feel any pain or discomfort. Though nothing has changed, I feel stronger today. A good sleep and lots of support makes a load feel lighter. A strong fetal heartbeat encourages me that Baby A may still join our family 6 months down the road.

Initial Ultrasound Report

2012-01-23T20:46:00.002-06:00

This morning started with another significant bleed. I decided to go to work, knowing that staying home with myself is the worst when I'm stressed. Should things get progressively worse I would present to Emergency. I work with a great group who is behind me all the time and are constantly lifting me up. I am blessed that way.

The day did get better. I was even able to sneak into the Obstetrics area and hear a reassuring heartbeat.

At 230 my phone rang. It was the specialist who had looked at our ultrasound report. Basically, he said, Baby B is swollen with extra fluid and has excess fluid around him (him = gender neutral). The baby is in heart failure and has a 98% chance of "self termination" before coming to term. We can't tell from the ultrasound (due to the hemorrhage) if the babies share a placenta or if they each have their own. If they each have their own and I miscarry Baby B earlier rather than later, Baby A has a fighting chance. The earlier Hydrops is diagnosed, the worse the prognosis. I have been unable to find a case earlier than mine - 10 weeks.

We will go ahead with a Nuchal Translucency scan next Friday. It won't fix anything but may indicate the presence of Down's Syndrome, major cardiac defects, etc. We might learn something.

My hope and prayer is that if Baby B can't hang on, that he go sooner than later and give Baby A a shot at a healthy start. This first trimester has been a roller coaster.

Getting Up to Date

2012-01-22T08:52:00.003-06:00

It's been a long time since I've written at all. I contemplated giving it up entirely but, remembering that I have siblings that don't have facebook, and the intensity of my thoughts and worries I decided to revive it instead.

It's no secret that we had been trying for another baby for 3 years. We just wanted Isaiah to have a sibling so badly. It didn't come easy for us and we decided to seek assistance to accomplish our goal. Fortunately for us, we conceived after our first month of treatment!

An ultrasound at 7 weeks showed one baby. The chance of multiples is always higher with treatments. Then at 10 weeks I had a huge bleed and went to ER where I was told I was miscarrying, as I suspected. I returned the following day for an ultrasound and guess what I saw on the screen... TWINS! Both alive and kicking.

I've had a couple of scans since to check on their well-being. The first ultrasound showed that one has normal growth, and the other "hydropic". I did some research on what that might mean and scared myself! I have yet to speak to a doctor about the ultrasound report or the one following. Hopefully that happens this week.

Both babies are active with good heart rates. That is so very reassuring. But I think that carrying two doubles the anxiety. And frequent ultrasounds also seem to add to my concern. The fertility doctor I saw on Monday was reassuring, reminding me that nothing diagnostic can be measured in the first trimester as the babes are just too tiny.

One day at a time. Lots of rest, food, and being gentle with myself is all I can do for now. But I think anxiety might be a regular companion to me on this trip.

Things

2011-11-13T18:53:00.001-06:00

There are reason's I'm not blogging...

It's not that life isn't going on....
It's not that I'm depressed...
It's not that I don't have things I'd love to write about...

It's just that some things take too much processing and are too personal. And when things like this consume my life, I turn to my family and friends. Soon enough I'll be blogging. I've got things to say!

50 Things I'm Thankful For

2011-10-10T17:47:00.004-05:00

1. Rachel's short and beautiful life
2. The opportunity to get to know her. She taught me a lot.
3. A boy who loves to snuggle.
4. Babysitters I can trust and who love my child.
5. People I can confide in
6. Friends that feel as close as family.
7. Friendships that I would never have predicted. These are the coolest.
8. Memories.
9. The perspective that only time gives.
10. A hot, steaming, strong cup o' java
11. Parents who are still with me
12. Grandparents too
13. Restored relationships
14. A job I enjoy
15. People I enjoy working with
16. The opportunity to learn patience. I've had lots of these this year.
17. A reliable vehicle.
18. Hot baths
19. A motivated husband.
20. Love
21. Grace
22. Chocolate
23. Makeup
24. Candles in winter
25. Hair dye
26. Prairie sunsets
27. Washers and dryers
28. White noise
29. Good deals
30. Home cooked meals
31. Living in the country
32. Windex
33. Jeans
34. Tweezers
35. Holidays
36. Laptops
37. Ball throwers for dogs.
38. Barbeques
39. Siblings
40. Rain gauges
41. Flowers
42. Music
43. Cork floors
44. Air fresheners
45. Hope
46. Mom's cinnamon buns. And waffles.
47. People who make me feel comfortable when they work on my back.
48. The gym
49. Gifts. Given and received.
50. Passions and the journey to discover what mine are.

On Friday...

2011-08-07T00:55:00.002-05:00

Our sweet baby Rachel got her wings. She left this world cradled in her tender Daddy's arms with her ever attentive Mommy and siblings at her side. One breath was there, the next gone.

Playing with Cousins

2011-07-05T11:35:00.002-05:00

This is what summer is all about!

Sandbox

2011-06-25T17:59:00.002-05:00

Long awaited and highly anticipated! More work than we expected but definitely worth it.

Faith

2011-06-23T21:03:00.002-05:00

Just finished reading Have a Little Faith by Mitch Albom and loved it. Easy to read with wonderful insights that encourage acceptance of others.

My favorite paragraph is as follows:

But I realized something as I drove home that night: that I am neither better nor smarter, only luckier. And I should be ashamed of thinking I knew everything, because you can know the whole world and still feel lost in it. So many people are in pain - no matter how smart or accomplished - they cry, they yearn, they hurt. But instead of looking down on things, they look up, which is where I should have been looking too. Because when the world quiets to the sound of your own breathing, we all want the same things: comfort, love, and a peaceful heart. (p221)

I had a mentor like Mitch had in his life. I remember her. That gentle, accepting spirit taught me so much.

Perspective

2011-06-12T21:47:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I look around me and don't like what I see.

I guess it's the stage of life I'm in. People want to build families. It seems that almost everyone I know with kids the age of my Boy's have another one. Or two. Plus another on the way. My eyes seek out those with arms full or bellies expectant. Don't get me wrong... I'm happy for my friends who are excited about new lives. But I can't help but feel a mix of jealousy and sadness for myself and our family dreams.

Especially when...

I hear of one "unplanned". A marriage that seems headed for disaster. Sad relationships. Personal instability. Risky lifestyles. People who took steps to have "permanent" birth control in place and somehow things just happened. People who don't know what it's like to have to try.

That's when I have to remind myself. There are babies that are sick, like my darling niece. There are mamas that are dying even while their bodies are growing their babies, knowing their child will face life without a mum. Most of the couples who sit in the Fertility Clinic waiting room with us probably don't even have one.

We do. We have a healthy, vibrant little boy. He rocks our worlds. Our marriage is secure. We are generally happy. We just don't get everything we want, when we want it.

Seriously. We are so lucky! I just want to be luckier.... but when I put it in perspective it's easier. I believe we will. It's just a matter of time. A lot of time.

Surgery

2011-06-08T10:10:00.003-05:00

Yesterday was a big day for me. I had surgery to remove a septum in my uterus and cauterize some endometriosis. Everything went well and I was home around 8 pm. This morning I feel like I was kicked in the gut by a horse. Yuck! Fortunately, Nana has the Boy and I have the Husband and painkillers. This afternoon is my follow-up appointment. So glad to get this over with!

Three

2011-05-13T12:31:00.002-05:00

It may be Friday, the thirteenth, but as far as I'm concerned it's the 13th of May. My Boy's birthday! There is no better day than this.

A year ago he was still my baby. Still enjoying his bottle, wearing diapers, and sleeping in a crib. Feels like forever ago. I can't even imagine where he'll be one year from now.

As usual, he has a birthday bug. Fever, cold symptoms. He's stronger than he used to be though and it's relatively minor. Daddy and I took the day off to celebrate. The weather is terrible and so far it's been a movie and jammie day. After his nap we'll give him his gift. This evening family is coming for cake and coffee.

Tomorrow is hotel night! His best friend and family will be joining us for one night at a hotel with a play structure and pool. Really looking forward to that!

Party on!

Accidents

2011-03-20T21:15:00.003-05:00

The thing about accidents is that the timing must be impeccable. It takes more precision than any fine-tuned art.

Because...

If you had been one second later
Or one second earlier
Stayed at the last place a minute longer
Or the weather had been different
If it had been a different time of day
Or someone else behind the wheel
If you'd been driving a car instead of a truck
Or if his vehicle had winter tires
If you had declined a shift
Or the other guy decided not to go watch the game

If any single, minute detail was different...
It wouldn't have happened.

But it did. Everything lined up just so. You can assign fault to somebody. Or nobody. God. Or Fate. Maybe Chance.

When the Unthinkable happens... then what? When you run to the car, hoping beyond hope that the other guy is okay. And you see him, and you know he's not. What then?

As it turns out, some people understand. It's happened to people before. They just don't talk about it every day. Some call. Some send flowers. No one casts blame. It must feel like a treadmill. A lot of effort, no destination. What if? Should I have? Could I have? The family... ?

I love you, Dad.

Vacation

2011-03-08T17:37:00.001-06:00

Berlin or Malta?

If you were getting a free trip, where would you choose to go?

Photos

2011-02-19T14:40:00.006-06:00

Curly Toes

Playing Wii with Dad

Such a pretty dress!

I took all of the above photos with my phone and uploaded them onto my computer. Feeling pretty tech-savy!

The combine that made it all worth it

Bulky soft dressings

Curly Toes

2011-02-19T14:04:00.002-06:00

I've spent the better part of the week preparing the Boy for surgery. He has, what the surgeon called, curly toes. The third toes on both feet crossed under the second. For some kids it's no big deal, but this kid has woken crying that his toes hurt and keeping the nails short was essential to keeping them from cutting into the toes. We saw two surgeons who had differing opinions on both the problem and the solution. One stated nothing needed to be done and the other recommended a tendon release on the third toe.

We bought movies and games. We talked about surgery. We discussed the hospital. I'll confess, we played it up a little.

Yesterday was surgery day. He woke up once we parked underground, totally stoked for surgery. He enjoyed putting on the blue and white striped gown and asked if he was beautiful in his dress. We discussed casts and the nurse told him he could pick whatever color he wanted. Even pink! He and daddy played video games. He's so sucked into those things. I'm definitely not buying one!

The surgeon came and marked his toes. The anesthetist came and let him pick his flavor of gas - bubble gum, strawberry, orange, or root beer. He saw the power cars beyond the doors to the OR and got excited about driving one. The nurse came and took him from me. He went willingly. First he tried the Hummer. It scared him when he realized it actually drove. So the nurse offered him the Corvette. He didn't actually want to drive it but went along happily when she offered to join him. We were told they would start his IV after he was sleeping and that he would be sleeping about one minute after he left our arms. OR time was booked for 2 hours.

We went for a quick breakfast and made a few phone calls. We came back early to wait in the post op waiting room. Just over an hour after he was taken in the surgeon came out and told us that everything went well. She did a simple tendon release and his feet had straightened out nicely. She opted for bulky dressings and didn't need casts at all!

Shortly after we were called to the recovery room. They warned us that he was upset before we saw him. I saw a nurse holding him on the bed and he was screaming. He was so upset. I think he was pretty ticked. It wasn't actually fun. He wanted to go home RIGHT NOW and get his "socks" off and his IV out. I held him and put his blanket over his head. Once he got his thumb in his mouth and settled down he fell asleep.

A little while later we transferred to the ward and watched some TV. After he ate a popsicle they took out his IV and let us go. We were out of there by 1130. Now the dressings stay on for 10 days. No weight bearing for a week. No running and no jumping for a month. Sounds impossible!

Yesterday we used a lot of Tylenol and Advil. Today he's feeling much better. In fact, he's scooting around on his knees like a pro. You'd think he had never learned to walk.

Now for some time off, lots of couch time, movies, and snuggles. I'm so glad to have this over with.

I know he's Small

2011-02-10T21:46:00.002-06:00

I knew I had misplaced him somewhere...

Movies

2011-02-10T09:50:00.002-06:00

Yesterday I went on a bit of a spree. I purchased more movies in half an hour than I ever have in my life. You see, the Boy is having surgery on his toes next Friday. I'm a little anxious, it's true. Instead of renting movies daily I just bought them. I'm afraid we'll be couch bound while he has casts on both feet and well, I guess this is like entertainment insurance.

Here is my list:

Horton Hears a Who
The Bee Movie
James and the Giant Peach
Shrek
Shrek 2
Shrek 3
Christmas Shrek (what? it was a four pack!)
Milo and Otis
Happy Feet
Cars
Dragon Hunters

Now, who is coming to join us on our movie marathon?

Best Parts

2011-02-05T22:28:00.002-06:00

The best part of my day yesterday? Flowers from my Husband! For no "real" reason. Extra points for having them delivered to my workplace and making all my colleagues jealous.

Today? Getting back to the gym following a month of illness between myself and the Boy. Even better, a hot stone massage after. The gift cert was a gift from my Hubby for Christmas.

Wow! You should all be jealous of a husband such as mine.

Back to "Normal"

2011-02-03T20:22:00.002-06:00

I gotta say, this work stuff is stressin' me out. Post-bump, I had to bump someone. In a department I didn't want to work. With 12 hr shifts. Not ideal. So I sent out resumes. Applied for terms.

I had one interview and it went great! I got the job offer. Which means I'm still batting 10/10 for getting the jobs I interview for. But then I got another offer. Seriously, on the same day! A term back in Day Surgery til the end of June. I weighed the pros and cons and took offer number 2.

So for now life stays the same. We'll see what time brings. I'm feeling happier and much more settled now that I'm the one choosing where I go.

On a positive note - the days are getting longer and warmer! Spring can't come soon enough.

Recap and Looking Ahead

2011-01-02T13:46:00.002-06:00

Simply put, 2010 was a year of stability for us.

I have the same job, same house, same vehicles, same Husband, and same Boy. I can't explain exactly how good this feels. I've lived years of chaos in the past. I've lived years of changes. Good and bad. Not this year. This year things just kind of stayed the same.

The Husband decided to work on his Counseling degree and started taking courses. Otherwise things around here remained status quo. The Boy remains undisputed in his place as sole Apple of our eyes despite our best efforts. Maybe this year will bring competition. We hope so.

He had a big year though. Moved from a crib to a toddler bed and mastered potty training in no time flat! His language skills amaze us daily. He's becoming more independent and is thriving in his day care. He expanded his list of favorite movies from Baby Einstein to include all the Mighty Machines series and his first full length feature, Up. He became passionate about guitars and farming. His immune system figured itself out and we landed up in ER only once with no hospitalizations.

We hit the road to Calgary in May to meet a very special addition to our extended family. Baby Rachel was born May 21 and has impacted all of our lives deeply. She and her family amaze and inspire me daily.

2011 promises to have more change in store. Next week I start my new position in ER. Quite honestly, I'm not thrilled about it. I'll do my best there and learn and grow in my career, but I'll miss my home in Day Surgery. Bentley, our faithful pooch, is getting his leg fixed. Here's hoping next year he's much more active! He is so in tune with me and my emotions. The Boy will be getting those curly toes of his straightened. The Husband will likely return to General Patrol, which means both him and I will be doing shift work again.

I always want to be stronger this year than I was the last. Stronger in body, mind, and spirit. I want to get to know my Husband better. We spent most of last year passing each other by. I want to find a job I'm excited about. I want to be more open minded and optimistic. I'd love to add to the family.

In reality, our control is so minimal. I can make great choices for myself and my family and end up with events that turn my world upside down. Peace and the ability to hold what I have in an open hand.... that's all I would really ask for.

Christmas 2010

2010-12-29T21:42:00.003-06:00

Nothing quite like Christmas with a little guy who is stoked for it! This has been the most enjoyable season in my recent memory. Tools and tractors made it magical!

The Bump

2010-12-21T20:55:00.002-06:00

In relation to my career, I'd heard of bumping before. I have to admit I always kind of thought of it like an urban legend. I didn't know it still happened or that it was a real thing.

Until I got
B
U
M
P
E
D

That's right. Someone with more seniority has decided to take my position. And apparently, they have that right. So much for job security. In this game I then have to bump someone else with less seniority than me. I got a list of eligible positions. None of them looked good to me but to keep my seniority I really had to take one. And so I have.

It feels awful to be bumped. And awful to have to bump someone else. Who thought this crazy game up??

Now I am becoming an ER nurse. It doesn't feel like a good fit for me - 12 hr shifts, heavier lifting, weekends, nights, holidays. I realize I was lucky enough to have the most amazing position earlier. But I never imagined it could just be swiped from me. The change is effective Jan 10.

Suggestions for a Boring Day off

2010-11-04T16:08:00.003-05:00

I had no plans when the Boy woke me up this morning. Just a relaxing day at home. After a while we decided to go check out the Mom's group in town. I'm not off on Thursdays as a rule and hadn't been able to attend at all this year.

As we were getting ready I had to run upstairs for something. "Mom, I had an accident" echoed up the stairs. What was that about? He never has accidents with #1 anymore. Off to the naughty chair, for he knows better. In fact, he took himself while I washed the floor and threw in a load of laundry. Just before leaving the house I called the Dog in. He didn't come. I tried that for 10 min with no luck. Tough luck for him, I figured. It's nice out and he can just hang out till I get home. A few minutes away from home I spotted him. And he spotted me. He started to race the car home so I followed and threw him in the house. Departure, take two.

After group we went to a neighboring town. Decided to try Chiropractic. Hey, maybe it'll help the Boy sleep better. You never know! I'll confess, the crackers scare me though. We went to see a clicker. The Boy did great. Maybe he even enjoyed it.

We grabbed some lunch at Chicken Chef, a rare treat. I figured he would fall asleep on the way home. But I should have known better. Upon walking in the house I noticed that nice fresh laundry smell. Perhaps a little too nice. And then I noticed the Blue puddle on the floor. And the Tide bottle tipped on it's side.

So I:

- did approximately 703 loads of laundry
- took the blue stained carpet outside and washed it with the hose
- and the other that I had repeatedly asked Husband to clean
- and one more for the heck of it
- washed the walls in the laundry room and entrance
- washed the entrance floor

I was planning to work out today but I think perhaps I already have.

The Boy was so busy helping the he forgot to have a nap. When I realized how late it was I decided to try a new approach. Set him up with his blanket and Mighty Machines while I had a bath. This plan failed as evidenced by the THUDS I've heard while upstairs. He says he was making a building for me. I don't know what that means at this point and am gladly procrastinating finding out as I'm sure it entails further cleaning.

Oh, and the Husband will be on his way home from work soon. I'd better get on supper!

Thank God for days "off"...

Celebrating a Decade

2010-10-31T12:40:00.002-05:00

I suppose it's not entirely abnormal to feel lost and confused in early adulthood. I like to do things to the extreme and so that was how I straddled that space between teen and adult. It was a head spinning, dizzying sort of time. I didn't know who I was and who I wanted to be. I couldn't balance work and school and self discovery. So I took a break. Or I broke. I suppose it depends on your perspective.

It's not a place I like to visit. Sometimes when I remember it still fills me with fears. In fact, I can't even recognize the woman I am today when I think of the scared young adult I was. They say the best way to get rid of the stigma of mental illness is to share your story. Sometimes I want to, but often I don't. Occasionally I'm afraid of what others might think. But stronger than that is the sense of my own frailty which still scares me. Who was I during those years when I danced on the brink? There are lots of bad memories, a few good, and most of them hazy. I'm not ashamed of that time in my life and I'd talk to you about it over coffee. But it does still take a toll on my emotions.

9 years ago yesterday I got serious about changing that. I boarded a plane on Halloween and flew to Ontario. Then I got on a taxi that drove me to a wonderful, albeit scary (the unknown, that is) place. Three and a half months of intense learning and reformatting. Constant encouragement and one amazing friendship gave me the leg up I had been needing. I came home and my strength deepened. My faith returned in a stronger and different form, for it had largely disappeared during that time.

Fast forward till now. Married to a wonderful, understanding and supportive man. Mom of the best little boy ever. It turns out that I love being a Mom! Enjoying my career as the nurse I thought I might never be. Although I worked hard to pull myself back up I can't take credit. Perhaps God had mercy on me. Perhaps I got lucky. Most likely it's a combination of all of the above.

It's not that my life now is without hardship or that I've "arrived". I dip into depression from time to time. I struggle with various thoughts and behaviors. Memories from my past invade my dreams and drive me to anxiety. Sometimes. But now I know my triggers. I'm way more comfortable with who I am. My coping skills are much improved.

Sometimes I wish I knew how to use my life and my story to help other people. That's something I'm still figuring out. But for now I'm living my life, thankful to be where and who I am. Not ever taking it for granted. Realizing that the garbage in my past actually formed me to be better. And stronger.

Still realizing my fragility.

Broken

2010-10-24T08:40:00.002-05:00

Thump. Pitter, patter, pitter, patter.

I look at the time. It's 2 AM.

"Mommy. I'm broken."

"What? Where are you broken"

"In my bum Mommy"

I take him back to his room. Snuggle with him. Sniff. Oh dear, smells like some business was done. This is a function he can control. If it happened without him meaning to, well then of course it must be broken.

Clean up time. More snuggles. More sleep.

Rattling

2010-10-10T21:31:00.002-05:00

I have a post rattling about my brain. The more I ruminate on these thoughts in my mind, the more complicated they become. I need time to sit and get it down on paper or puter in some kind of logical and carefully worded order. It's coming. Perhaps in sections.

Fall Goals

2010-09-14T21:32:00.002-05:00

I see, since my absence, that I've lost all of my followers. Time to re-vamp my blog!

In a few days it will be officially be autumn. I spent my summer working a lot. It's going to change now. We've accomplished most of our immediate financial goals and it's time to slow down and enjoy life. Time to make time for regular workouts and healthy meals. Time for massages and trips to the city just for coffee. Time to sleep and take naps. And time to experiment with cooking and bone up on the cleaning.

This fall is going to be a great new start! It's September after all. Isn't that when most things start up again?

Fall on the Farm

2010-09-06T15:50:00.004-05:00

The summer has passed in the blink of an eye. I took a break from blogging and the gym and spent time with the family and at work. We accomplished Potty Training (most of the time) and got the landscaping done. We spent many hours playing at Nana's farm and playing in the water with friends. We explored Tinkertown and a local town fair. We spent lots of time with old friends and forged new friendships.

Today the Boy, Nana, and myself went to the Mennonite Museum for Fall on the Farm. First stop was the Candy Store to sustain us on our journey. We watched the blacksmith heat and pound some metal. We climbed the windmill and watched them grind some wheat. The steam tractors were out and a kind Engineer invited the Boy up to see the fire and turn the steering wheel. We petted rabbits, goats, and donkeys. The Barrel Train was lots of fun! All this plus chicken butchering and fresh pickles!

Exploring all of these things with a toddler makes it all new and fun again. I just love re-discovering life with him!

Birthday Celebrations

2010-07-01T09:31:00.006-05:00

I am so lucky to have both of my parents around. Last month both of them celebrated their birthdays. By being smart enough to carry the camera I got lots of awesome pictures without me being featured in any of them.

Check it out!

My sister was home for Mum's birthday. We invited her sister along as well. First we went for delicious Italian food. Too many choices on the menu!

But oh, so yummy!

This Gooseberry light on fire right after I took the picture. What better way to kick off 55 than with a fire?!

Then we went to my sister's condo for a rousing game of Scrabble. We let Mum win. Followed by Carol, and Jen. I brought up the tail end.

It was an awesome evening!

We celebrated Dad's 57th on June 26th at the neighborhood coffee shop - the Back Porch. My Grandparents came too. We dined on fruit, cheese, and baked goodies. The coffee was hot and strong. Bacon, sausages and eggs followed.

The Birthday Boy!

If there is a party, my Grandparents are sure to crash it!

The Boy "smiling" for the camera

(I love the facial expressions in this photo)

The whole crew. Grandma is in this photo somewhere....

Fun with Family

2010-06-06T22:03:00.002-05:00

We got back from our road trip to Calgary a week ago already. Our time there was bittersweet. It was great to spend time with family and we really enjoyed meeting baby Rachel. She did well during the time we visited. Amazing considering that she's functioning on an essentially two chambered heart!

From a medical perspective, it's pretty cool the way her body has adapted around her defective heart. From a personal perspective it's just tragic.

The Flames House in Calgary is a pediatric palliative care center. I can't rave enough about the place. It sucks to have to be there but if you find yourself in a situation like this... what a blessing!

The Boy and I did find ourselves some fun. We went to the zoo, rode the C-train, and giggled past midnight on the mattress on the floor in a kind person's basement.

Here are some photos:

Air hockey with Auntie Jen. Also, it looks like he has big hips. This is an angle I've never seen of him....

The horses in Calgary are really tame. And odd looking. Giddy up!

The coolest swing of all time. Even Mummy wants to snuggle in and suck her thumb in this kind of cozy!

Extreme wheelchairing

Definitely cousins!

Rachel Amariah

2010-05-21T23:44:00.006-05:00

For details visit www.rachelamariah.blogspot.com

Bittersweet

2010-05-20T13:36:00.002-05:00

I'm almost ready to head out of the house. The Boy and I are taking our first road trip together. Nana and Papa are coming to. Our destination is Calgary. My brother lives there. With his beautiful wife and family. Literally, as soon as the Boy awakes from his Slumber we are outta here!

You may think we're heading on a vacation. The truth is that my niece is going to be born. Tomorrow. Her name is Rachel Amariah. At the routine 20 week ultrasound they discovered that things weren't quite right. Now, through extensive and detailed testing, we expect that she won't live long. Nobody knows how long or how short her life may be.

I've witnessed amazing strength as my family deals with this news. Her parents have wrapped her in love from the beginning. There are no rosy thoughts of miracles, etc. They are facing reality. Decisions have been made and plans are in place so that when Rachel comes they can just focus on her. Such anguish. Such love. Yet such peace.

It's bittersweet. Rachel has already taught us so much. We will love to to bits now and forever after. I was thinking today, God, why the bittersweet? Why not JUST bitter or JUST sweet. It feels like torture to love something/someone only to lose them.

But I realized something. If there was just bitter or sweet, the bitter would overwhelm the sweet. I'm afraid I would just see the ugliness. So we have to have the sweet with the bitter. Otherwise we'd have a world full of jaded or incredibly happy, sheltered (and this might be worse than jaded) people. It just keeps things in focus.

See you tomorrow, Rachel.

Balance

2010-05-06T16:01:00.002-05:00

I have to admit that I sometimes feel like the odd Mama out, here in this town. This town which is slowly becoming "my" town again.

You see, I love my job. I find meaning and purpose in caring for people outside of my own family. My heart is caring. I like my patients and, usually, they like me. I work with a fabulous team. I get lots of positive feedback about my performance and enjoy being part of a team.

Most of the Mums here take great pride in staying home with their children. I'm not sure that I have met any that work outside of the home. I certainly believe there is no more important job than raising your own children. Sometimes I wish that would be all I want. To stay home and watch my Boy grow up.

But I don't. I want to work part time. Not full time, just part. The thing is, I'm happier when I get out of the house. I have more patience and more fun with my family. There is a fine line. At times I have picked up too many shifts and run myself near ragged. Then I become the Mama Monster and that isn't cool for anyone.

It's interesting to move back to my old hometown. I can't say that moving back has felt like coming home. It's starting to feel more comfortable. But sometimes I feel like I just don't fit in all that well. It's getting better with time and I assume it will continue to. I'm just gonna continue doing what makes me happy.

Spring Break and Photos

2010-04-09T10:05:00.009-05:00

I've been working a lot lately. However, I took last week off just to be with the Boy. Fun was on the agenda. We went to Brandon and enjoyed the Royal Manitoba Winter Fair. We saw horse shows, the Superdogs, and the Kubota tractor that leveled the sand after every performance. The latter was the most exciting part for Isaiah.

The puddles on the driveway have dried up now, but they sure were fun!

Lots of silly time

And a brand new, shiny raincoat!

I managed to spend lots of time with friends and consume large amounts of coffee. The windows got cleaned, inside and out, with the help of the Husband. The fish filters were pulled out and cleaned. I finally caught up with laundry. It has, for the record, gotten away from me again.

I loved just chillin' with my Boy. He's growing up and it makes me happy and sad all at once. The daycare he is at now is awesome and I can see the influence of the older Boys on his language and play. He no longer giggles for a positive response to my questions. This week it turned to "yeah". And just like that my Baby disappeared! He talks full sentences most of the time and is a pretty happy kid. We're only up about once a night now. Eventually he will sleep through the night! Of that I am sure.

What a great week!

The Blog Life

2010-04-02T20:11:00.001-05:00

Of COURSE I'll keep it up. My brother and sister read it ! And if nobody else does, it would still be worth it. They don't "do" Facebook.

Confession

2010-03-31T13:45:00.001-05:00

I don't blog much anymore. I have more followers on Facebook and not that much to say. The question is, should I keep it up?

Tales from the Tub

2010-02-23T15:07:00.002-06:00

Here is what I learned today while soaking in the tub and reading "Today's Parent"

- it's recommended to medicate your child before taking them to the ER. Apparently medical professionals don't need living proof of a fever.

- kids will remember the time you take to play with them, not how clean your floors are

- if you save $50 every 2 weeks for 50 years you will have $35,600 assuming you earn 3% annual interest

- kids in home-based daycares watch 2 more hours of TV daily than kids in structured daycares. 2.4 hours vs 0.4 hrs a day! Trying to minimize screen time for the Boy, who eats, lives, breathes, and dreams Mighty Machines is one of my current battles.

- Poop tested from colicky babies showed double the inflammation as compared to non-colicky babies, similar to adults with Irritable Bowel Syndrome! I say bring on the Acidophillus.

- there is such a thing as a "sleep doula"

- lots of kids don't sleep through the night. different techniques work for different parents and different kids.

- some people think sleep patterns are partly personality. some people have also come to the conclusion that infant and toddlerhood are fleeting and that instead of spending time feeling guilty and resentful about night wakings a conscious decision to enjoy that time with your child makes all the difference in the world. "I spent moths agonizing over how to help my child learn to sleep when I could have been enjoying the hours of cuddling," one Mama says.

- most girls 11-13 want more involvement from their Daddy

- only half of all boys are potty trained by age 3

So there you have it. It's an educational experience.

The Licking Trilogy

2010-02-08T19:08:00.002-06:00

This n' That

2010-02-07T19:59:00.003-06:00

I haven't written for a while, so while the Boys chill on the couch and watch the Superbowl I shall get things up to speed. Dad, Tim, and my boys are hanging out. Dad is cheering for the loser, whoever that may be at any given moment and so his team is sure to lose.

We're just over half way through winter, I think. This winter has been way easier than last and has been, for the most part, pretty easy. Lately I've been finding myself unreasonably anxious at times and I remind myself that spring is coming. The days are getting longer, the sun is feeling warm. There are some little changes coming down the tubes that occupy a lot of my thoughts. Nothing big or life changing.

My toddler keeps life exciting. I often say it's less work to go to work than it is to stay home with him. He's incredibly verbal and picks up concepts in no time. Sleep is our ongoing issue. On average we're up twice a night. Otherwise he's pretty easy going and fun loving.

The Husband is gearing up for his first course towards his Masters of Counselling. I think it's going to be a stretching, growing kind of time for him from which I expect good things. He is planning to get involved with the Behavioral Health Unit at work and thinking beyond to his retirement years. He can have a full pension at 46!

My work is starting to feel comfortable. I love my job and my coworkers. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I never believed I would find such a good fit for myself.

Life is a pretty comfortable kind of normal. We're growing, loving, and learning. Our house feels like home and our community... well that's starting to feel maybe a little bit like home too. We're planning a trip to visit family in May. We're going to spend as much time with Baby Rachel as we can and love my brother and his family with everything we've got. A small trip to Minneapolis in June to see U2 in concert will be it for the summer. We have lots of landscaping to do!

And that pretty much sums it up!

My Niece

2010-01-24T20:02:00.002-06:00

How complicated life can become in such a short time. I have learned a lot about the Baby my Brother and Sister-in-law are planning to welcome into their lives this coming May. A routine 20 week ultrasound revealed some concerns. Further testing revealed that I will have another niece, but also that she will be a very sick little girl. Among other concerns she has Dandy-Walker Variant, Hypo-plastic right heart syndrome, heterotaxy, and truncus arteriosis. It all boils down to a whole bunch of unknowns. It is likely that this beautiful girl will be held in her parents arms, surrounded by love as she goes into the arms of Jesus.

However, nothing is sure. She may live for 5 minutes. 5 days. 5 weeks. 50 years. We will have a better idea of her outcome at birth, but her heart conditions are serious and possibly "incompatible with life".

Her Mommy and Daddy love her. Her extended family loves her. I think we love her more fiercely than we would have otherwise at this stage in her growth as we realize how limited our time with her likely will be.

It will be a long road til May. And after that, only God knows.

Reflections and Resolutions

2010-01-03T16:12:00.003-06:00

Wow. It's 2010! That sounds much more futuristic than it actually is. A new year always prompts me to think about the year that I've left behind. I would say I'm more prone to thinking about the past than I am to making lots of New Year's resolutions.

Last year, in brief, was a year of changes. We've been packing the changes in in the last couple of years. We moved into our house in January. In April the Boy was hospitalized with respiratory issues. Then a few weeks later I secured the best Nursing job I could ever have dreamed for. We bought a second vehicle so that I could commute to work. This also opened up new possibilities for me to connect with others back in the city and in my new town. I gained a much needed 10 pounds. Since summer my life has become a nice kind of normal. There was so much good, and in the same breath, so much heartache. Life always seems to be such a mixture.

In the year ahead I have a few goals and wishes. I want to stay healthy in mind and body. It will mean more workouts at home and pursuing healthy friendships. I want to step outside of my comfort zone and create relationships, getting more involved with my community. I want my home to be warm and welcoming, nurturing and safe. I want my relationship with my Husband to grow stronger. I want my child to be healthy, potty trained, and in a big kid bed. I want to work on expanding our little family. I want to brush the dog more regularly and keep the fish tank cleaner. I want to have a strong back and find a new, amazing physiotherapist.

What did I just say about not making many resolutions? Oops.

But that shouldn't be too much to aim for. Should it?

Christmas 2009

2009-12-27T09:20:00.003-06:00

This Christmas was phenomenal! A year ago I was a sad and tired Mama of a 7 month old who wouldn't sleep. Christmas was tiring instead of exciting.

This year I'm well rested. My family is settled in our beautiful house. Our toddler makes Christmas exciting again! I must admit, I've been caught up in the fun of the season. He's too little to understand the reason, but the thrill of pretty lights, a tree, packages, and new boys has renewed both mine and the Husband's excitement.

In spite of all of the positivity I've been feeling, I've also been aware of the depth of sadness around me. It makes me sad that people hurt each other. Myself included. I'm also blown away by the way that things turn out for the good. That the rot in my past has made me a better person and deepened my character. It makes me especially thankful for the Gift that Christmas celebrates. Thank God for grace.

My favorite part of Christmas, all dressed up

Oh YES - a plasma car!

Got the hang of this present thing

Walking the puppy

De-Bobbifying

2009-12-02T16:55:00.003-06:00

Things are a-changing for the Boy. He's 1 and a half now. Where did my Baby go? He does, however, have things he loves to hold on to and find comfort in. He loves his bottle - Bobbie, specifically. He loves his blanket - Dee Dee. He loves his Baby Einstein movie. And I must confess, he loves his Mum! He is a total Mama's boy.

A couple of days ago I decided to make some changes. Namely that Bobbie would become a less prominent figure in this house. I bought an Elmo sippy-type cup with a straw. The introduction wasn't of ecstatic proportions but was met with a small amount of possible interest. Over the last few days I've been encouraging Elmo and discouraging Bobbie except for before bed time. And it turns out he's sipping a lot less. And EATING a lot more!

Around the same time, and of his own accord, the Boy ditched Dee Dee. He decided the other blanket was really a better friend and has now adopted Nana's lovingly stitched quilt. I'm glad because he's really almost outgrown Dee Dee #1 and I was wondering how we would ever transition.

Next on the agenda - potty training! But not for a few months yet.

The Boy watching Baby Einstein with Bobbie and Dee Dee

Thoughts about Endings

2009-11-13T14:54:00.003-06:00

Not to be a downer, but I've been thinking a lot about death lately. Maybe it's because I'm remembering my dear Aunt Wendy as we approach the 3 year deathiversary. Perhaps it's because my friend just lost her Uncle to lung cancer. Or my brother's recent experience of sitting with a man and his family as he left this world. Or the amount of cancers and surgeries I have seen recently at work.

I have been with quite a few people in their final weeks and days. I often felt like that was where I made a difference. It gave meaning to my work. Death makes us all equal. Pain and suffering is a guarantee as life closes. Love and conflict become magnified as family dynamics take a front seat.

My friend told me that watching her uncle die made her believe that euthanasia should be legal. That no animal would have been allowed to suffer like he had. I would be lying if I said I hadn't felt that way myself in certain situations.

I'm not sure how justice is served for people. It often seems unfair that the kind get sick and leave people who need them while the evil get away with all kinds of garbage and lead a long, healthy life. I may not know how justice is served, but I do believe that it is. I think about the man in Fort Hood who took so many lives and attempted to take his own. Medical intervention has helped him recover, it seems, in order to experience hell on earth. Why didn't we let him go? Then I read the Maclean's article about Demjanjuk, the nazi who was directly or indirectly in the deaths of many. He is being tried in Germany. A frail, old man who is dying of cancer. It struck a chord deep inside of me. It feels so wrong to me. How are we making the world a better place by taking justice into our own hands? Can anyone explain it to me?

I realize I've grown up with pacifist, Mennonite roots and that that plays a role in my thinking about justice. I also realize that total pacifism doesn't seem practical in this messed up world and I'm not sure that it's THE answer. I'm not sure how it's all supposed to work and I have strong mixed feelings about stuff like this. I don't know what the right or wrong action is all the time. Maybe ever.

I just know that death is final. And it's complicated. Painful. And confusing.

Halloween 2009

2009-11-01T10:15:00.002-06:00

Monkey! Is that a banana in your pocket... ?

Mr Independent

Being silly with Auntie Carol

Practitioner Renewal

2009-10-22T09:43:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I attended a session called "When Life Bites" presented by Dr David Kuhl of the Center for Practitioner Renewal. It was a workshop that addressed the pain that providers carry as they care for the suffering.

We created a bunch of time lines and dated our deaths to be 6 months from now. We analyzed what we had accomplished and what we would like to accomplish. We thought about people who have left and are leaving legacies to us and what kind of legacy we want to leave. It was sobering, to say the least.

We also explored some of our pasts. It was interesting to see how our coping skills from our young years transfer into the workplace. Nobody comes to work as a blank slate. All kinds of things can hinder our ability to work as a team. It's so hard to remember that whole people come to work and that people aren't their jobs. We need to be gentle and gracious with each other.

We spent some time processing past hurts as well. I've done a lot of that in my life. To some extent it's healthy but I never want to be stuck in the past again. It was good to do a brief visit though. I think I've mostly dealt with my past hurts, including the Big Hurt and am constantly thankful for my time at Homewood to help me with that.

Life is so fragile. We can cause so much grief or so much blessing for people in our lives. Relationships is where it's at. It doesn't matter what the house is like. It doesn't matter how much money I make. It doesn't matter how fit I am or how much I weigh. So much of life that seems like a big deal really doesn't matter.

The truth is, I nit-pick. I make big deals about things that don't matter. I argue with my husband about trivial things. I forget to show appreciation to the people that I love. I lose sight of what's important in the din of every day life. I search for my own meaning and happiness as if it's something that can be found, when in actuality life is an opportunity to create meaning for myself. The best gift I can give anyone is myself. Stuff is just so unimportant.

May I constantly live like I am dying.

Belated Gratitude

2009-10-19T14:35:00.002-05:00

I was going to post on Thanksgiving weekend, but time seemed to slip away on me. I was going to do "100 things I'm thankful for". I would have. I should have.

I've been thinking about thankfulness a lot. Mostly I've been realizing how ungrateful I am. I don't know if it is my attitude or personality, or if it's just the nature of man, but I take everything for granted and then want more. Selfish through and through.

It's an attitude I want to work on. I want to count my blessings daily. It doesn't matter what I used to have or what I don't have. I don't want to complain at work. I want to realize what a gift my job is. I don't want to curse the 5th time in one night that I have to attend to the Boy. I want to remember how long we tried and how hard we prayed to conceive. I don't want to grieve my old community. I want to put an effort into making friends here. I don't want to gripe over the way my Husband or Family is. I want to show them how much I love them.

I'm working on changing my perspective. How blessed I am!

The Cage of Rage

2009-10-09T19:34:00.003-05:00

As a kid I always loved cats. My cousin and I spent countless hour in the hayloft finding batches of kittens hidden in the floors and walls. We would sit and watch and wait. The patience we had back then is pretty amazing.

Recently I saw a mouse scuttle in my garage. My garage is attached to my house and this rodent was a bit close for my comfort. I didn't want poison or traps because I have a toddler and a dog. Personally, I'd like them in the house. But the Husband is slightly allergic plus a clean freak. The amount of dog hair we find kicking around drives him crazy. A cat would make him insane.

A cat would have to live in the garage. I worried that one cat would want to constantly sneak into the house. Litter mates would keep each other company and provide body warmth for each other.

I found an ad for some older kittens that had been born wild. I figure cats born wild and then tamed would be better mousers and more independent than babies born tame. After emailing for a while, I convinced my Dad to accompany me for the pickup. The first kitten was caught quite easily although he was nervous. Kitty number two exploded, biting through leather gloves to make my dad bleed.

I've had them for a week now. They live in the old dog kennel with a litter box, blankets, food and water. I spend a bit of time with them daily. However, I have way less time than when I was a kid with no responsibilities. Back then I'm sure they would be totally tame already.

But for now... they're mostly pissed off. Every time I come to bring them food and water kitty #2 spits at me. She's a devil. He's more laid back but still hisses regularly when I visit.

So, in my garage sits a cage. Full of rage.

I won't hurt you babies. Trust me.

Teensy

2009-10-04T21:40:00.006-05:00

Today I decided to try the snowsuit from last year on the Boy. Last year he was 6 months old in November and he wore it through to 10 months. This year he's, well, one year older for you mathematicians out there. So, I slipped him into it and it's a great fit. Perhaps even slightly big. I mean, I always knew he was little. But seriously, just yesterday I was sorting through his clothes and putting away 6-9 month sizes. I just can't believe it still fits but am happy that I don't have to dish out more money for anything these days. He looks like the Michelin man, an astronaut, or a giant marshmallow. We are ready for you, old man Winter.

Extra padding for potential falls, doing tricks on the quad

Reflections on 30

2009-09-21T16:16:00.002-05:00

Can you hear the tick-tock of time disappearing?

I celebrated my 30th birthday yesterday. I'm not one to make a big fuss about birthdays but small celebrations with family make the day feel special. The Husband is convinced that the big 3-0 is a big deal. It called for an extravagant brunch and some shopping time. Later this winter he is taking me on a warm vacation. I'm really looking forward to it!

30 isn't a big deal for me. Never-the-less, I've been thinking a bit. I'm in the best shape of my life. I have less back pain than when I was younger. I'm in a happy, supportive marriage. I'm raising a beautiful boy, quite successfully so far. My mood is generally stable. I've learned to take better care of myself. My faith is growing.

The fact that I'm a well balanced, responsible adult does amaze me at times. Some of the choices I made when I was younger... some of the directions I could have gone.... it can scare me. And I'm thankful for the miracles of lessons learned and loving, praying people in my life. With God's continued gentle guidance, I can only hope for more of the same. More maturation. More blessings. More hard and easy lessons. More faith.

Thanks Mum and Dad for the wall clock. Symbolic perhaps?

Farmer's Feast

2009-09-19T23:22:00.001-05:00

I really want to go to the Farmer's Feast this Wednesday but tickets are all sold out. It sounds just scrumptious. Does anybody out there have any in's? Can I win tickets somewhere??

Family Photos

2009-09-16T18:20:00.002-05:00

Guess who is the liveliest person in the family...

Fish Tank Upgrade

2009-09-14T19:06:00.002-05:00

I really like my fish tank. Honestly, it all started with a one gallon aquarium for a Beta fish and has now grown into a 70 G African cichlid paradise. I can spend endless amounts of time and money on this thing. I like making it beautiful.

The latest addition is this ship wreck, thoughtfully purchased for me by a friend. You know, the kind of friend you never quite feel that you deserve. (As if buying birthday gifts for me is a challenge...)

Heroes

2009-09-08T17:10:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about Faron Hall. Twice in a short four month, he has pulled somebody from the Red River saving them from certain death. He has been called "Guardian Angel of the Red" and other hero-ly names.

How does society recognize one of their own who lives on the fringes? People who don't subscribe to societal norms, inhabit the street, and engage in behaviors and/or addictions that aren't popular? How do people make a hero out of someone who would rather stay invisible?

I wonder what it does to that person. He's afraid of falling off the pedestal he feels people have put him on, he says. Maybe he doesn't want to subscribe to our norms. Maybe he's happy the way he is. Maybe society puts strings on rewards for good behavior. I think maybe we do. Does that kind of pressure actually increase someone's chances of struggling? And having saved one person and not another, would that create a traumatic stress type of response? Would you have survivor's guilt if it had been you pulling one person out of the water and watching the other disappear?

I don't know. I'm just wondering.

House Update

2009-09-01T20:50:00.004-05:00

It's finally coming together. Our house has turned from blue (styrofoam), to grey (scratch coat), to it's final yellow (stucco). The stone work is done. The decks are done, stairs included. Next on the agenda is floor replacement and landscaping.

Today

2009-08-27T09:45:00.000-05:00

I was going to put some time and thought into a post today. Instead, I slept in. I didn't make the bed. I had a cinnamon bun and coffee for breakfast. I had a hot bath and shaved my legs while the Boy napped. Then I invited the Babysitter over and I booted it to the city. I had lunch with a dear friend. And oh yes, I went to the gym. Then to the mall to buy a potty for the Boy and playtime with friends and treats. I had a sleeping Boy in the car when I got home and did some frantic cleaning for the Husband, cleaning Nazi, prior to his return home. He had been away and I had enjoyed all kinds of guilty pleasures. Now I have fed the family and am starting to wind down. Clearly I have no time for deep thoughts today.

Produce

2009-08-20T09:22:00.004-05:00

Check out my biggest tomato so far this season....

Parent Pressure

2009-08-17T11:44:00.002-05:00

It's like peer pressure except that it comes from your parent. In this case, my Mother.

I had decided against joining Facebook. It was my silent rebellion. I would swim against the current of fads and e-culture. I would set myself apart, not needing such artificial connection. I had heard it could be addicting and time consuming. Who am I kidding - I have no extra time. Oh no, Facebook was not for me.

Then my Mum joined. She wanted to see what it was all about. She told me about her friends. She updated me on my cousins' lives. She told me there were pictures of my niece and nephew, and wasn't it too bad that I couldn't view them?

So in a moment of weakness and loneliness, I joined. Now I too am a Facebook user. I just had to be as cool as my Mum.

15 Months

2009-08-14T18:01:00.003-05:00

It's been a while since I did an update on the Boy. I promise I'll write more soon, but for now here is his adorable photo. The cuteness factor just increases every day.

Work

2009-08-12T19:17:00.002-05:00

Today was the first time that I worked in the recovery room and had an.. shall we say aggressive? patient. He came out of anesthetic swinging at me. And swearing. Dude, this is NOT my fault. By the end of our hour together he was the sweetest man. With no recollection of his earlier behavior.

Also, today was the first time I offered my arm as a pincushion for a nursing student. Well, actually she's on summer holidays working as a ward clerk and will be entering year 3 in fall. That's the one where you learn IV stuff. I'm not sure why patients should always be the test victims. None of my co-workers volunteered. I razz her enough that I'm pretty sure she was looking forward to poking me. She did good except that she missed. And now I'm sporting a lovely bruise.

How many people can say they love their jobs? I do. And I'm good at it.

The Week Off

2009-08-03T09:19:00.005-05:00

Clearly my week off was so fun-filled that I didn't even have a chance to write. It was a highly charged, emotional week with a range of activities that kept me hopping.

I had a few appointments including one for a massage. April was the last time I got in to see Kathy. I think what I need is a therapist in the town that I work in so that I can tack a session on at the end of my day instead of taking a whole evening to head into the big city. It's just that my therapist is amazing.

I met with my physician regarding my xrays. The report I got back included words like "approximately", "measurer differences", and "margin of error" which eroded my confidence in the report. Apparently my curve is "relatively" the same as 3 years ago. This is good news! It held out pretty well with the pregnancy and all of that. I'm to have a visit with a surgeon some time in fall. If it's not shifting I probably won't need that very scary surgery.

I socialized. I hooked up with two different cousins. One single and one married with a baby. I spent time with my parents and my favorite aunt. It turns out that the people right in my own family are some of the most amazing people I've met. My babysitter and her family came over and our husbands bonded over sports. I met a nurse friend for lunch and chatter. I let go of having the house to the Husband's standards before I have friends over.

The Husband and I had a date and some very meaningful, necessary conversation. We saw a movie. The Boy stayed at his Grandma's for a terrible sleep (Thanks Mum!).

I said goodbye to a person who has showered me with support over the last number of months. I really suck at goodbyes. But I am such a lucky person to constantly have people come up beside me and walk with me through the stuff-ness of life.

I decided to treat myself to a new fish, prettying up my tank. It is coming along quite nicely! It's amazing what a sinkhole it can be for money though. Probably as expensive as a horse! Meet R2 (A temporary name - I am open to suggestions.). He's going to be a symbol of bravery. His price tag was $22.50. I got home and pulled out the receipt... for $2.50. Now is this a gift, or a test?

Yesterday I topped things off by going to the spa with one of my best friends. We splurged. We had hot stone massages (my favorite), facials (not my favorite - I'm rather head shy), manicures and pedicures. We toured the Forks. We had brunch that was overpriced and undersized. Oh yes, we had to order entree #3 to share to feel anywhere near satisfied. But it's not every day I have a lobster crepe for breakfast! Doesn't take long for the pampered feeling to wear off once you get home. The boy slobbers on your shoulder. Your greasy hair feels dirty. Your nail polish chips.

The Boy is Mama's again. He hasn't given Daddy the time of day this week. He's temperamental like that. He has two molars coming in at almost the same time that have his gums more swollen than seems natural. His sleep has been awful. We have appreciated Bubble Gum flavored Advil. Since he started walking he hasn't stopped. He takes his bottle while wandering. Sitting is a punishment. I don't have to carry him nearly as much and he is quite happy doing his own thing. But I'm afraid he'll disappear into nothing. The tabs on his size 3 diapers are touching again. Slim Jim. Also, he talks constantly.

Tonight I get to have dessert and coffee and watch the new Harry Potter movie with a friend. But first I have laundry to do and cleaning to accomplish.

Next weekend - sisters weekend! That means two nights at a hotel and lots of good times. No kids. Oh, and Scrabble. It's part of my probation rules. Maybe this year I'll pass and just get to be a normal member. But probably not.

Time Off

2009-07-28T10:10:00.002-05:00

I cut a deal last week. If I worked 60 hours in 6 days I would get 8 days off in return. It was a crazy week with an extra 5 hours of overtime. I worked in Day Surgery, Recovery Room, and got my feet wet on the ward. Every shift went well. But by the end of it I was tired, my back was fatigued, and the Boy had learned how to hold a grudge.

This week I recover. I have a lot of goals as well. Today I got the big fish tank clean. I will do the small one tomorrow. I want to make a couple of home cooked meals. I want to get all the laundry done and put away. A minimum of 3 workouts. A couple of medical appointments.... I will find out the degree of my curve this week. A massage. And I'll top it off by spending an afternoon at the spa with my dear friend.

Blingtastic!

The Boy has decided he's into accessories, including shiny anything. He has opinions that he is learning to share and has recently perfected the head shake for "no."

Scoliosis 2009

2009-07-20T17:09:00.002-05:00

I went for xrays of my spine today...

I'm still shocked every time I see it

Blogger Woes

2009-07-18T15:22:00.005-05:00

I've had such trouble getting on to blogger. I think it's my internet settings, but I just can't figure it out.

Now I don't know what to write about...

The fact that my Mum is more internet savvy, 21st century with it than I am. She joined Facebook and is finding hundreds of friends. As an attempt to regain my coolness I've joined Twitter. So far only spammers follow my updates.

I could write about the issues I've been having with my spine and supposed upcoming appointment with a surgeon. I could write about the MRI I had and the xrays I'm going to have. I could write about my frustrations with our health care system. Or how my head spins and the clouds gather over me when I think about it too much.

Or I could post a picture of the progess on our house. Our builder may be bankrupt, but one man ensures that the work continues. S l o w l y but surely. Now we have scaffolding, a scratch coat, and an airconditioner.

Promises of things to come

Pooch

2009-07-11T08:29:00.003-05:00

I have an amazing pooch. It took him a little while to adjust after baby was born as he learned to play second fiddle. I used to walk him daily when we lived in the city. Rain or snow, plus 30 or minus 30. It kept me in good shape and kept him from being bored. I must admit that I've gotten lazy in the country. Some days I let him out and he walks himself. I'm working on it though. I'm trying to walk him more days in a week than not. For both of us.

Other uses for a dog - stepstool!

Self Control

2009-07-10T23:34:00.002-05:00

The Husband is the only person I know who can make the following statement:

"Tonight I practiced self control. I did no cleaning. I decided to enjoy myself and sit in front of the TV for the evening and just relax. Well, except I swept the entrance."

And that, for him, really is self control.

Good job Husband! Doesn't it feel good?

Babysitting

2009-07-07T21:10:00.002-05:00

So far I like my neighbors. I can't say I know any of them well, but they are friendly and agreeable so far. There is one I visit with more than the others. She's laid back and fun, from what I can tell. She has adult kids living with her.

She told me once that one of her daughters would love to babysit for us if we ever want/need her to. I thought that was a kind gesture.

Then I met her daughter in the mall and we had a pleasant 5 minute conversation. She also offered to babysit. She told me that the Boy is the most handsome child she has ever laid eyes on, and she gets bonus points for that.

Ever since, the neighbor continues to remind me that her daughter would love to babysit. I always smile and say thanks.

Now, I'm not one to be suspicious. The husband does enough of that for both of us. But it is starting to weird me out. And the offers just keep coming. They are probably just kind people who like kids, but I don't even know that I'd recognize this girl again if I bumped into her.

So I will continue to smile and be gracious. That is all.

Photo Update

2009-07-01T19:24:00.001-05:00

Yelling and driving monster trucks

Walking

All eyes and teeth

Holidays

2009-06-30T15:36:00.002-05:00

We just finished our summer vacation. We kept it simple this year, sticking close to home. Most of our time and money will disappear into finishing our house, landscaping, etc. There is still much work to be done and endless "stuff" we should/could purchase.

On Sunday the Husband, the Boy and I checked into a Hotel. Isaiah played in the water and watched the big kids play. He cried when we left. In the evening we dropped him off at the in-laws. By "we" I mean the Husband... I wasn't up for spoiling my night by walking away from my crying Boy. The Drop Off went as I expected. I was nervous - the Boy had never stayed with the In-laws for longer than a few hours.

We had a lovely supper and a good mix of light and serious conversation. Then we walked to the theater and enjoyed a chick flick (Thanks, Husband). We headed to bed shortly after midnight, then laid in a soft, King sized bed and whispered sweet nothings to each other. We left the phones on just in case the Boy wasn't handling his sleep over well. I laid awake for a long time after the Husband slept.

After a refreshing night of no interruptions, we touched base with Mom-In-Law and went for breakfast. We enjoyed some shopping and tea time. The Husband indulged in various spa services (my time is coming, with a good friend). The Husband bought me a wicked hot little bathing suit.

The Boy did fine at the In-Laws. Next time will be easier. This couple time was essential for us. I have missed the Husband. And it turns out, he has missed me.

New Sleep Strategy

2009-06-27T16:17:00.003-05:00

1. Shortly before bed, feed child nightsnack.
2. Boil water
3. Cook pasta. Al Dente.
4. Feed child
5. Give child water.
6. Put child to bed.
7. Pasta expands to fill child's tummy.
8. Sleep

Work

2009-06-24T16:39:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I did 4 hours of overtime after an 8 hour day shift. That would be a 12 hour shift. I used to do those all the time. How?!

I can't imagine working 12's with a young family. In the morning I dropped the Boy off at daycare. It wasn't a good drop off. And then I saw him for a few minutes before he was ready for bed.

It sucked.

Balance

2009-06-18T10:16:00.003-05:00

Just a couple of months ago I was a full time Mum. I took a full year of maternity leave which ended up being a whirlwind of change. I won't lie - it was a hard year. I learned a lot of lessons and did a lot of growing. But I struggled with being in my four walls with my baby. We had one car, which the Husband took to work. After the move I didn't even know my neighbors. Fatigue robbed me of my usual zip. My weight dropped with the demands of breastfeeding, carrying an infant, and the frequent decision to nap instead of eat when the baby was sleeping.

Near the end of maternity leave I was successful in a job interview for a part time position. I went out and purchased a small used car. I made arrangements for daycare.

I've been working for two months now. I love my job. Day shifts, Monday to Friday. No weekends, no shifts, no holidays. I've gained weight. I sleep better. My son likes his daycare. He's never thrilled to be dropped off, but never eager to be picked up. He just wants to show me what he is doing.

The problem is, I haven't found a good balance. I'm working a lot - picking up way more shifts than the half time position requires of me. Work is fun and stimulating. However, I start at 7AM which means I'm up at 530. I have to wake the slumbering boy up to take him to daycare, which sucks. Seriously sucks. I wish he was naturally awake at that time (except for my days off when I'm happy he sleeps in). He's become more cuddly the last couple of months, wanting me to hold and snuggle him. I don't make as many homecooked meals. The house isn't as clean. The boy sleeps better than he did as an infant. He's up twice a night on average and the Husband and I take turns caring for him. But I am not a morning person and 530 wakeups take their toll on me by the end of the week. There is pressure from home and work to work more sometimes. But then I'm tired, grumpy, and not communicating well. I don't get to the gym as often and my back hurts more.

Too much home time isn't good for me. Too much work time isn't good for me.

There has got to be some kind of balance I can find. Perhaps I'll start by saying "no" to the occasional extra shift.

How do other Mums do it?

Cozy Coupe Fire Truck

2009-06-12T17:12:00.002-05:00

Grandma gave Zey $$$ for his birthday. I have never seen this kid so happy with a toy before. Or seen him throw a temper tantrum when I tried to take it from him. Check out his grin!

Thanks Grandma! What good taste you have.

Webless

2009-06-10T22:09:00.001-05:00

We have a mobile internet stick. You put it in the side of the laptop and it connects to the Rogers network.

Or if you're a toddler, you put it in your mouth.

Which makes it stop working.

We are finally back online. I think I'd rather be without phone than internet.

Surprises

2009-05-28T10:05:00.002-05:00

Yesterday morning when the Boy cried, I assumed the Husband would tend to him. That's our arrangement when I'm on days and the Husband is on evenings. It was 230 AM. I looked beside me. I appeared to be alone. I got up and fed and cuddled my son. When I returned to bed, I checked my cell phone. A text message stated that the Husband was working overtime.

At 530 AM my alarm went off to get me up for the day. 7AM start times are hard on me. I am not a morning person. But this morning I didn't dawdle. The space beside me was cold and husbandless. My heart pounded as I realized I would have to make arrangements for my son. Normally he wouldn't go to daycare till the afternoon when Daddy works evenings. I didn't dare call and wake my daycare worker up.

So I called my Dad. "Dad" I said "Can you do me a favor?" He agreed to do me a favor and I spelled out the enormity of it. Absolutely, he would be at my place for 615. Thankfully, my Daddy is a terrible sleeper and was already up for the day. When he arrived he gave me a homemade cinnamon bun that my Mum had baked the day before and sent me off to work.

Once the Boy was up for the day, Grandpa took him to the farm where Grandma took over. He played outside all day.

How lucky can a daughter and grandson be?!

The Husband did eventually come home, safe and sound and very tired.

I Love My Job

2009-05-21T11:59:00.002-05:00

For the first time in my short career I'm truly happy at work. My Thursday 13 tells you why...

1. A 20 minute commute is the shortest I've ever had.

2. Parking costs six cents an hour. The last place I worked cost $75/month.

3. Hands on patient care. I have learned I do not love clinic nursing.

4. Half time gives me lots of flexibility to pick up shifts, be at home, and catch up on rest.

5. Amazing co-workers.

6. A positive environment.

7. Compliments and encouragement.

8. Constructive criticism.

9. All day shifts. No evenings, no nights, no weekends.

10. A babysitter I feel confident in. I couldn't enjoy being at work if I was worried about my baby.

11. Social interaction with adults. How I've missed adults.

12. Intellectual stimulation and the opportunity to learn.

13. Uninterrupted eating time. This never happens at home. My body is benefiting from more food, more often already.

Growing a Friendship

2009-05-18T20:35:00.002-05:00

Two and a half years ago we moved into a suburb in the city. It was our first home. We moved in August. For the first time I enjoyed having my own yard. It was a small patch of grass but it was mine.

I enjoyed sitting on the deck in the back yard. I noticed the neighbor's apple tree, laden with apples. Branches leaned over the fence bowing under the weight. I couldn't resist but to pick one once in a while and enjoy it's crisp coolness on a hot summer day.

My Grandma came for a visit and eyed up the tree. "Ask your neighbor if I can buy some!" she stated, with a promise of homemade apple pie.

So, the next time I saw her outside I asked her for some. I recognized her immediately as she turned to face me. Where had I seen her before? Curves? Nursing School? I struck out on all of my guesses before figuring out that we worked different shifts in the same department of the Hospital.

After our meeting under the apple tree our friendship grew. Now she laughs with me, cries with me, listens to me. We hang out with our kids. We walk the dogs. Talk shop. Enjoy coffee. Sushi. We gab on the phone, talk shop, and various stuff. She rains toys on my son and showers me with support.

When we moved away it broke my heart. I was scared our friendship wouldn't survive. The opposite has been true. Our friendship continues to grow.

This weekend her family came to see our new house. And she brought a gift certificate...

For an apple tree.

One Year

2009-05-12T19:51:00.003-05:00

On the eve of Isaiah's first birthday I am reflecting on what life was like a year ago. I had left work two weeks prior for maternity leave. I had left a job that I found heart wrenching and stressful. We were living in the city on a tiny property beside the best neighbors a girl could ask for. And we waited. I was overdue by 4 days and waiting to be induced because Baby wasn't growing.

Now I have a boy who is verging on toddlerhood. He's a whirlwind of activity and very vocal. Crawling suits him just fine and he is in no rush to walk. He can probably get there faster on his knees anyway. All day he babbles, copying as many sounds as he catches. He says Dada, Num num, again, done, uhoh, and makes a few animal sounds.

Isaiah is definite on what he wants. He knows who should hold him at any given moment and where he wants them to take him. He needs no words for this - just a point of his fingers and some grunting. He pushes away the people and things offered to him that he doesn't want and gets mad if the same thing is offered twice. He is a boy of structure - milk is for bottles, water for sippy cups. He seems to be inclined to a sense of order.

He is adventurous. His favorite thing is the swing at Grandma's house, which hypnotizes him into silence and stillness. Rides on the ATV, climbing up and down stairs, and banging anything to hear the sound it will make are exciting. He's got a great arm and loves playing catch. His ride on ATV and shapes sorter are some of his favorite toys.

6 teeth have forced themselves through. He doesn't cope too well with teething. He is tall, filling out his age appropriate clothes in length but not width. He likes his bottle and anything new in his diet. The same menu in two days is not appealing. Baby food is a definitely dislike. He does seem to have a sweet tooth.

mmm cake

Isaiah has taken to daycare very well. He loves watching other kids and is learning to interact with them. Some days he jumps into the babysitter's arms and doesn't want me to take him home when I get there. He wants to show me what he's doing and what toys he is playing with.

Bedtime is easy. He likes to be put down in his crib and he'll take his thumb to fall asleep with. Otherwise he is not a thumb sucker. Usually there is no fuss. At bedtime we read stories. Sometimes an hour's worth. It is his favorite part of the day. He still wakes a couple of times every night to eat.

He is so much fun. He is learning to tease. Most days are more fun than effort now and he is learning so quickly. This year has flown by. I can't wait to see what Isaiah grows in to. He has made our lives so much richer and taught us countless lessons.

We love you baby! Happy Birthday.

Turning One

2009-05-09T21:53:00.002-05:00

Is it normal to have to take a break from cake decorating to shed some tears when your baby turns one? Tomorrow we celebrate. But tonight I miss my baby.

Posting

2009-05-03T17:21:00.001-05:00

When I'm not working full time. When I'm not utterly weary by the end of the day. When my today doesn't focus on what I need to get done tomorrow. When this week of anniversary, double birthdays, and Mum's day is over.

That's when I'll post again.

Working Mama

2009-04-20T17:15:00.004-05:00

This morning I woke up at 6 am. Ow. I was ready early (imagine that! no baby to drag around) and went through the McD's drive through for a free coffee. I like their new cups. Free coffee during breakfast hours all week the commercial says. I did spend money on a muffin. I'm not that cheap. My commute is only 20 minutes - the shortest commute of my career thus far.

I worked in Day Surgery all day and it's pretty much like it was in Portage. Fast paced but not difficult. The people seem friendly and forgiving. Also, I'm getting a chance to practice my German skills.

On my way home I drove through Timmy's and got a winning roll up for a free coffee. I'm sure I've had 200 of them this year with no winners.

When I got home the Boy was sleeping, an appliance repair guy was here, the house was clean. I went for a 2 mile walk with Pooch. When I returned Isaiah woke up and gave me a nice hug. Baby and Husband were both dressed. Supper was in the works.

I was very impressed.

Until...

Our fridge cost $300 to repair. I opened the mail and found that a lien was placed against our property in excess of $20,000 due to our builders having serious financial problems. Then to top it off, I picked up my baby and found that he'd grown up while I was at work.

For Crying Out Loud

2009-04-19T22:52:00.003-05:00

Tomorrow I start work. The Husband is off for the next few days while I work and then I'm off when he works. It'll delay the start of daycare by one week. Next week the boy will go for a couple of hours to start, followed by full days at the end of the week. Hopefully it's a gentle enough immersion.

Often at night Isaiah only wants me. We've been practicing having the Husband tend to him at night, hoping to improve the Boy's flexibility. Daddy is putting him down at bedtime more often too. It's been going okay except for the last few nights. Bedtimes are a trial. He screams until he falls asleep. If we go in, he screams harder in downright anger. I think he smells change.

This evening I sat in the room next to my baby's, listening to Daddy read to him and settle him for bed. He wasn't okay with that. He wanted Mama. It broke my heart not to go in and take care of him.

My maternity leave is over. Officially. Where has this year gone? I've raised a boy and kept him alive but accomplished little else. In the morning I'm going to work. Although I'm excited about it and I know it'll be good to expand my world, it just feels wrong tonight. What if he cries all day? What if he thinks Mama isn't coming back? I can't explain it to him. I just hope it isn't too hard for any of us.

Please God, let us sleep well tonight. I have impressions to make and things to remember tomorrow.

Countdown

2009-04-14T18:33:00.003-05:00

In many ways this past year has felt long. We've had many changes in our life. Positive changes, but big changes. They range from becoming parents to building a house. Most of it I think I've coped quite well with. Often, though, I've wished I could get out of the house more and dabble in work. I miss nursing and interacting with adults. I've also wished for the freedom of having a second vehicle so that we're not stranded at home when the Husband is working.

Now that it's almost over, it feels like everything happened in the wink of an eye. Wasn't it yesterday that I was pregnant? This is officially my last week on Maternity leave. Next week I start a half time, permanent position in the Recovery Room of a local hospital. No shift work required - it's only day shifts. I'm pumped about it.

I'm a little nervous about how Isaiah will do at day care. He's likely more resilient than I am and will do fine. But geez, if he takes his first steps there I will be so jealous.

Breathless

2009-04-09T08:55:00.005-05:00

Lately I've been sneaking into my son's room after he is sleeping. Thumb in mouth, he cuddles face down into his blanket. Always one that Grandma made for him with love before we ever knew him outside of the womb. His back rises and falls in an easy rhythm drowned out by the sound of the ever present fan which provides invaluable white noise. He's resting and peaceful. And so beautiful that he takes my breath away.

Just two weeks ago he fought for air. In a 24 hour period I watched his struggle increase. Each breath rattled his body. His appetite decreased. His wet diapers became less. The Doctor we saw at the rural hospital assured me it was simple laryngitis which would be cured with oral antibiotics. I questioned him, reminding him that there had been no wet diaper for 12 hours. I was given shallow reassurance and sent to Shoppers Drug Mart to fill a prescription.

My Mama's heart couldn't rest easy that evening, so I inflated the air mattress and took up camp in Isaiah's room. Every breath sounded labored and painful. The sound grated on me like nails on a chalkboard.

Morning came with no improvement. I jumped in a hot bath with my babe, thinking that perhaps the steam would ease his breathing. Instead, he deteriorated before my eyes. I doubted myself and called my Mum and a close friend. What should I do, I asked? A strange sense of calm took over and I decided to take the boy to the hospital. The Husband and the Mum had responsibilities at church so I called my best back up - Aunt Carol.

In a matter of minutes Carol re-organized her morning to meet me at the hospital. We drove, not rushing. The boy was quiet except for the sound of his breath, rattling.

I got out of the car and picked up my kid. His skin tone shocked me. No longer was he a nice healthy tanned color... instead he was grey. Every muscle in his neck strained with each breath. I hurried in with him and stated "Mybabyishavingtroublebreathingandswallowingandhehasnthadawetdiaperin24hrsandhesgettingworse"

From the door to the doctor was less than 5 minutes. With his shirt off I could see his body working to breathe. All of the symptoms of respiratory distress I had only read about in nursing classes were evident. Stridor. That's what the noisy breathing was. I had always imagined it to be higher pitched.

An IV elicited barely a flinch from my boy. Steroids, epinephrine face masks, and fluids were given. An X-ray showed swelling in his throat. My Aunt functioned as my 3rd and 4th hands, carrying stuff, giving me breaks, and providing support.

We were admitted for a few days. Diagnosed with either viral tracheitis or severe croup. Never have I seen a child who is Just. So. Loved. People rearranged their lives, declined shifts, brought food and toys, spent time, and phoned daily.

It has taken me a while to process how close we came to leaving the hospital without our son. I haven't known how to put it exactly into words. I just don't think words can do justice.

Under Grandma's watchful eye. She made us supper and gave us breaks daily.

Assuming the safe position. Hiding under his blankie, sucking his thumb.

Complaining to Daddy.

I Must be Dreaming

2009-03-27T02:36:00.003-05:00

Is it really 245 AM?

The Boy got his immunizations on Wednesday and got his socks knocked off by them. He spent 36 hours feverish and lethargic. In the last 24 hours I got 3 hours of sleep and he didn't get much more. All day he laid in my arms. We put miles on the rocking chair, listened to music, cuddled, watched TV, and dozed. A couple of hours ago his fever finally broke and he started feeling better.

Enter the return of my Boy. Somehow it seems we've gotten things messed up. For it is 245AM and he is happy (also, not tired... how can he NOT be tired?). So far we've played with the dog, eaten grapes, discovered that when one dives face-first into bread with peanut butter it will stick to your face for a couple of seconds, climbed the stairs, and discovered toys. He is shrieking, smiling, and very much awake.

I'm so glad he's feeling better. Now could we please just get some sleep?

Uncle Tim Rules!

2009-03-22T02:22:00.001-05:00

It's no wonder Isaiah just can't get enough of Uncle Tim...

Positivity

2009-03-16T00:09:00.002-05:00

In a pointed effort to be positive, here are the things I am looking forward to this week:

1. My sister and her husband came to warm our house this afternoon. They live in Europe most of the time and we just don't get to hang out much. She is so amazing with Isaiah. My Grandparents, parents, and Aunt and Uncle with 3 boys came down as well. I just couldn't wait to see her this visit. I miss her.

2. Tomorrow I get to see one of my oldest (not age-wise, just length of time that I've known her) role models for some talk time and playing with the Baby. It's been a long time. Also, she'll introduce me to a physiotherapist who I'm hoping that I click with so that I can get some treatment for my back. I'm fussy about who touches my body. I wish I wasn't so uptight, but I just can't help it.

3. The gym. I'm not sure when I'll get there, but I love going to the gym.

4. Melting temperatures. I sent my dog out of the house to look for land this weekend. He returned with mud on his paws. Spring is coming!

5. The Husband's 3 day work week. Extra hands are good. Especially since Isaiah has decided that he's a man's man and there isn't much Mama can do for him that Daddy can't. He'll actually push my face away if I try to take him from his Dad. My back appreciates the rest.

6. A job interview. I kind of enjoy them.

7. Attending a group with other moms. I really want to connect with other women.

This week has got to be more fun than last week. With the weather warming up and lots of activities it's bound to be a good one.

Here We Go...

2009-03-11T16:19:00.002-05:00

I've put a few resumes out in the last couple of weeks. I'm not searching desperately, but applying for jobs that look appealing. I could work as many hours as I want just being casual, but I would really like to have the security of a "position".

I don't think I want to return to the Cancer Center where I worked prior to maternity leave. I recently bumped into a colleague from there at the gym who said "Stay away as long as you can! It's so stressful and getting worse." But a few weeks ago I spoke to a Nurse who told me that she has the best job in the world, in the Recovery Room of a smaller hospital.

That's where I have a job interview next week. Woo Hoo!

Meatless

2009-03-10T13:01:00.002-05:00

The Husband has decided to give up meat for Lent. Not so much as a religious observation, but more as a dietary practice. Seafood excluded. This means that I too have mostly given up meat as I do the majority of the cooking around here. We've tried some fabulous new recipes that will likely become staples in our household. But it means a lot more planning and meal preparation time. Lots of veggies, beans, eggs, and fish.

I have no idea what to make for supper tonight.

Ramblings

2009-03-05T00:01:00.002-06:00

I've had a lot on my mind lately. I've even sat down to blog a couple of times. But what good is a post about my boy chewing up his crib, my new glasses, the gorgeous new fish tank, or the curtains that my Mum and I sewed together (ok, mostly Mum) without the picture to show for it? I don't know if it's a setting on my computer or a problem with blogger that prevents me from posting pictures or comments 90% of the time. I can't figure it out. But sometimes I get lucky.

My back has been bothering me. A lot. The muscles in my ribs tighten up and I feel like I can't take a good full breath. Add to that an almost 10 month old who is teething and getting over a cold who wants to be held at all times. But not by Daddy. Only Mama. I wonder if my spine is shifting and I get anxious about seeing the surgeon that I've been waiting almost 3 years to see. I guess it's good that I'm not breastfeeding with the amount of medication I've been taking for relief.

Regardless, I feel guilty sometimes that I'm not nursing the boy. Like I'm not giving him all that I could be. He wouldn't take it now if I offered but I do pump a small amount daily and add it to his bottle to give him some of what formula can't. I miss the closeness. He's not a cuddler. I usually can't rock him to sleep. He'd rather be in his crib, on his tummy, sucking his thumb. Usually he doesn't even protest when I leave the room. He is sleeping in 3-4 hour spurts now, which is twice as long as a couple of months ago.

Sometimes he does fall asleep in my arms and I want to hold him forever. I look at the crescents his dark, long eyelashes make as they fall on his cheek. I kiss his soft spot. I stroke his fine brown hair. I think that I would be pregnant a hundred times for the privilege of knowing my son. I just don't want to put him down because I know. I know that tomorrow he will be bigger

Last week we had the insurance nurse come out. We've applied for life insurance. They probe into every corner of people's lives. I had to drag the skeletons of my past out of the closet. Memories that I would like to forget and times that I would like to erase flit across my mind. I know my history will ensure that I don't get the best rate. And I don't care so much about that. I just hate muddling through it.

My weight has slowly and surely been rising. I'm working hard at it. My doctor, my family, and my self are glad about that. The energy I expended breastfeeding and baby bouncing reduced me to bare bones with a bit of muscle. I'm doing the opposite of weight watchers, my doctor says. I get stars for gaining weight.

My mind is starting to shift. In less than 2 months I'll be back at work. As of yet, I have no job. My term position expired during my maternity leave. I've started applying for some. It will be part time. Daycare has been arranged. Now I need a job and transportation. We'll have to invest in a second vehicle.

We have finally met a neighbor that isn't a prairie chicken or the pigeons wanting to nest in our not-yet-screened-in porch. She has an 8 week old daughter at home. Also recently two others I know had baby boys. I've been talking with them a bit and I've noticed how many people get negative advice from other Moms. It drives me crazy that we can't just encourage each other. There are so many things in pregnancy and parenthood that are grey. It's okay for people to feel and practice different things. I don't understand why people feel the need to criticize. It doesn't ever help anybody.

I think that's about all I had to unload tonight. Off to my heating pad and zzzz-land for me.

Busy Beaver

2009-03-03T11:33:00.004-06:00

Isaiah's top teeth are coming in fast and furious. Three have made their appearance with another one threatening to burst through at any moment. The last one came in bleeding. Currently he is enjoying testing them out. People, pets, and furniture beware! I put him down for a nap one day and noticed this:

I asked the Husband if the crib had been scratched by the move. Negative. Since I didn't see him do it I figure it's either rodents - rabbits, beavers, etc - or my Biting Wonder child? I put him in his crib to pose for these photos. It's a good thing we didn't pay too much for this crib. One day even the Husband will think it was kind of funny...

What a goofy grin!

13 Ways My Kid is Like My Dog

2009-02-20T00:18:00.002-06:00

I realize that it's past midnight, which means it's officially Friday. However, in my world, the Baby just went down to sleep (very easily, I might add) and I am still up which means that for me, it is still Thursday. Therefore, I'm entitled to post a Thursday Thirteen.

My kid is like my dog. No joke. They are pretty much at the same level right now. Take a look:

1. They get around on all fours

2. They like the same kind of food. Isaiah grabs dog food whenever he gets the chance and Bentley hangs out under the high chair at people feeding times.

3. Both are afraid of the vacuum

4. Their excrement ends up in plastic bags

5. They complain to high heaven when they need a nail trim

6. They would like to enjoy the same toys. Ew.

7. Both think they deserve a spot on my bed. Neither of them gets it.

8. They must have me in their line of vision at all times

9. They attract attention from strangers. Male teens like the dog. Old ladies like the baby.

10. They make sure that I get enough exercise on gym-free days

11. Drool

12. They like chasing cats

13. They understand approximately the same number of words

What Warms a House Better than Coffee?

2009-02-18T19:38:00.005-06:00

I loved my old coffee maker. I really did. I liked it's shiny stainless steel exterior. I liked that it was programmable - it could make coffee before I was even out of bed. It's a great idea, but I never once used it. Whoops. I liked being able to set the temperature of the carafe to low, medium, or high. I love the smell, the taste, the social sharing of the drink.

Honest, I was sad when it died. One day it's little heart just couldn't pump the water from the basin, through the coffee grounds, and into the pot. It gurgled and steamed but no life saving brown stream emerged.

But then I got a housewarming gift. My Mama, she likes coffee too. For years she has proclaimed the wonders of the Bunn coffee maker. I admit, I was jealous sometimes. Coffee reminds me of my Mum. They go hand in hand. A visit just isn't complete without some java. Realizing the loss I was grieving and searching for an idea for a houswarming gift, she went the very next day and purchased me the John Deere of coffee makers. It even said "Nothing Brews Like a Bunn" on the box.

You're coming over for coffee, you say? Give me three minutes. The coffee will be hot and ready.

Hanging Out

2009-02-11T08:57:00.001-06:00

Garbage

2009-02-03T15:20:00.003-06:00

You know you live in the country when...

you call to find out if/when you have garbage pick up and are told the following:

"It's $12/month and you need to pre-pay either 6 or 12 months. Tape the cheque to one of the garbage bags on pick up day."

Tell THAT to a fraud specialist!

Wind

2009-02-01T21:31:00.002-06:00

Yesterday we experienced the second strongest wind in our recorded history. Windows popped out of tall buildings in the downtown of the city, shutting down a major thoroughfare. I took the dog for a walk and leaned into the wind as it tried to push me backwards.

The Husband and I looked out of our bedroom window on the second floor. "Gee. I hope we don't start losing shingles or anything like that," I said. That did it. The Husband couldn't relax. He paced, listened, looked. Soon enough we heard banging. The dog was instantly on guard and went to check the door. It was, however, coming from the roof. We gazed out of our window, watching stuff fly by and feeling vulnerable.

Amidst the paraphernalia tumbling down our street and blowing across the fields the Husband recognized something. "Uh, those are our shingles."

Now we live in the new house in the new development with bald spots on it. We should be easy to recognize.