I still think of my babies every day. Sometimes it's a memory of them moving inside of me. Sometimes it's the tattoo that looks back at me in the mirror. And sometimes its a loving gesture or comment from a friend that reminds me that they care.
We returned to the fertility clinic a few weeks ago where they determined I should have further testing. The time frame for the test I needed is one to three months. I got in the first month. Although it was much more painful than I expected or remembered from last time I had it done, the results were super! No further surgery required and the green light to go ahead and give it another go!
Now I just have to put in some time before things are in order to move forward. Our hopes are high!
Friday, May 25, 2012
Monday, May 7, 2012
2 Months
It has been two months since I went on the roller coaster ride that led to the early delivery of my twins. Two months since I held them for the first and only time.
I've gotta say, I think I'm doing well. I feel generally happy and optimistic. I still think of the babies often and got a pretty tattoo on my right shoulder to be a constant, permanent reminder for me.
We went back to the fertility clinic to talk about trying again. I won't lie - I'm eager to try again! I was hoping we would get the green light right away but it turns out we need to do some further testing and perhaps undergo another surgery before forging ahead. I was disappointed initially but at the same time I understand the approach from a medical standpoint. I can't help but hope it happens on our own before we move ahead at the clinic. What a gift that would be! That being said, I don't think that "trying" is a great mindset for us yet and so we are just carrying on as usual and whatever happens, happens.
I've gotta say, I think I'm doing well. I feel generally happy and optimistic. I still think of the babies often and got a pretty tattoo on my right shoulder to be a constant, permanent reminder for me.
We went back to the fertility clinic to talk about trying again. I won't lie - I'm eager to try again! I was hoping we would get the green light right away but it turns out we need to do some further testing and perhaps undergo another surgery before forging ahead. I was disappointed initially but at the same time I understand the approach from a medical standpoint. I can't help but hope it happens on our own before we move ahead at the clinic. What a gift that would be! That being said, I don't think that "trying" is a great mindset for us yet and so we are just carrying on as usual and whatever happens, happens.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
6 Weeks Postpartum
Today I had my routine post-partum checkup. I had a list of questions for the doctor.
Are the autopsy reports back?
- Somehow somewhere there must have been a miscommunication. No autopsy was done, only measurements and all of those seemed normal although both babies measured small for dates. My doctor was going to check if the bodies were still at the hospital to see if autopsy could still be undertaken but it's unlikely. This is very frustrating for me as we had had serious concerns about our baby girl early in the pregnancy.
Were the babies alive at birth?
- No. The birth process is usually too traumatic for such little ones, mine included. This gives me peace of mind because sometimes at night when my mind would run away with me I would wonder if they had been and torture myself about not holding them as they died.
What did the placenta pathology say?
- Infection found in the placentas and bits of tissue sent after delivery. My doctor is very sure that I contracted a bug which caused my membranes to rupture and delivery to occur. Nothing I could have done differently would have caused a different outcome. "It's a case of really bad luck"
Could the odd shape of my uterus have caused problems and could my cervix have been incompetent?
- Probably not. But next time we'll keep a closer eye on the length of my cervix just to make sure.
Can I be referred back to this doctor sooner than what my family doctor would usually request if we get pregnant again?
-Yes! The second I get a positive pregnancy test a referral should be fired to her office. This makes me happy. She is kind, compassionate, and knowledgeable.
I should hear back yet on whether the babies' bodies are still at the hospital and if autopsy can still be done. I'm expecting a phone call.
But otherwise, I think that kind of sums things up. Hopefully we can move forward from this and give it another go this summer.
Are the autopsy reports back?
- Somehow somewhere there must have been a miscommunication. No autopsy was done, only measurements and all of those seemed normal although both babies measured small for dates. My doctor was going to check if the bodies were still at the hospital to see if autopsy could still be undertaken but it's unlikely. This is very frustrating for me as we had had serious concerns about our baby girl early in the pregnancy.
Were the babies alive at birth?
- No. The birth process is usually too traumatic for such little ones, mine included. This gives me peace of mind because sometimes at night when my mind would run away with me I would wonder if they had been and torture myself about not holding them as they died.
What did the placenta pathology say?
- Infection found in the placentas and bits of tissue sent after delivery. My doctor is very sure that I contracted a bug which caused my membranes to rupture and delivery to occur. Nothing I could have done differently would have caused a different outcome. "It's a case of really bad luck"
Could the odd shape of my uterus have caused problems and could my cervix have been incompetent?
- Probably not. But next time we'll keep a closer eye on the length of my cervix just to make sure.
Can I be referred back to this doctor sooner than what my family doctor would usually request if we get pregnant again?
-Yes! The second I get a positive pregnancy test a referral should be fired to her office. This makes me happy. She is kind, compassionate, and knowledgeable.
I should hear back yet on whether the babies' bodies are still at the hospital and if autopsy can still be done. I'm expecting a phone call.
But otherwise, I think that kind of sums things up. Hopefully we can move forward from this and give it another go this summer.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Apology
We heard back from the patient liaison on Thursday. My chart was reviewed and discussed with the staff that worked on the night we came. Although it was a busy night they gave no excuse for not having a nurse visible/available at the desk during our wait and stated that they were sorry. That should never have happened and they took ownership for that.
That feels good.
That feels good.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Update
I've been meaning to write for a few days now and have actually started on multiple occasions with no real direction and no focus to my words. Feels like I don't know where to start or finish.
I'm just coming off Spring Break week. For me that meant a week of holidays and lots of good times with my little guy. We spent time together and with friends. The overwhelming, all encompassing heaviness of sadness has somewhat lifted in our household and laughter can be heard. Isaiah needed lots of "mommy days". It was good medicine for my heart as well.
Tomorrow I go back to work. I'm stronger and more emotionally stable than 2 weeks ago. I may have gone back a bit prematurely...
I am enjoying getting back into shape. Working out at home, in the gym, toning my abs, etc. It has been a long time and is such good therapy for me. I'm also enjoying having a glass of wine with my dinner and carrying my son whenever I want to or he asks me to. These things feel good.
My biggest struggles remain my appetite and sleep. It's hard to sleep. My appetite is improved from what it was, so that's good.
I just can't believe it's almost been a month already...
I'm just coming off Spring Break week. For me that meant a week of holidays and lots of good times with my little guy. We spent time together and with friends. The overwhelming, all encompassing heaviness of sadness has somewhat lifted in our household and laughter can be heard. Isaiah needed lots of "mommy days". It was good medicine for my heart as well.
Tomorrow I go back to work. I'm stronger and more emotionally stable than 2 weeks ago. I may have gone back a bit prematurely...
I am enjoying getting back into shape. Working out at home, in the gym, toning my abs, etc. It has been a long time and is such good therapy for me. I'm also enjoying having a glass of wine with my dinner and carrying my son whenever I want to or he asks me to. These things feel good.
My biggest struggles remain my appetite and sleep. It's hard to sleep. My appetite is improved from what it was, so that's good.
I just can't believe it's almost been a month already...
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Patient Liaison
I should be 21 weeks pregnant. But I'm not. It blows my mind that I am mommy to three but only get to mother (verb) one. I am oh-so-thankful for that one though. If I didn't have that memory box and one photo of me at 14 weeks pregnant I could hardly believe it. I am so thankful for the things I have to remember the babies by. It gives credence to how I'm feeling and gives me permission to grieve.
We really felt like we needed to go back to the hospital to talk about our experience. During the time that I was waiting between triage and being seen I was alone (with my husband). Though we returned to the desk multiple times to let them know things were changing/progressing nobody checked on me. At the time I was focused on myself and my distress but in retrospect it bothers me. I felt completely uncared for.
Perhaps because I am a nurse I had conflicting feelings about the meeting. I am overwhelmingly sad that my profession does or can not care for people who are in physical pain and emotional distress. I would hope that if it had been me working that I could have and would have provided care. Emotionally at the very least. Having my vital signs taken would have made me feel somewhat cared for and taken 30 seconds.
I also felt badly because I kind of felt that I was going against my own people - nurses. I understand what a busy shift is like. What it's like to be short staffed and bursting at the seams with people who are sick and demanding. To work a night shift and not have slept the day before. The variables are endless.
Walking into the building where I left my babies was almost unbearable. More so that I had even expected. My body had a completely visceral response with back pain and uterine cramps while my head spun. I had to catch my breath.
The patient liaison was very nice. Since the Husband was unsure on the chronological details I had to tell the story myself. It felt like just yesterday. The liaison cried with us and wrote our story down. From here it gets taken to the ER manager who will pull my file and talk to people working the shift that night and determine if anything could have been done differently.
I don't want anyone else to go through what I did feeling like they were alone in a place that should be taking care of them.
The liaison did say that labor before 20 weeks cannot be treated or stopped. Which I knew. I am not assigning any blame for the outcome I had. She reminded us that in a perfect world there are two staff at the desk, one of whom is a reassessment nurse. But that when they're short staffed or busy that nurse if the first to be pulled, etc, etc. I get that. Really, I do.
My Husband asked if I wanted him to spend some time with me after the appointment as we walked out, me with tears I just couldn't stop. All I could say is "I need to get out of here". I went, alone, to the mall for some time alone and permission to buy myself a treat.
It's hours later now and I'm still feeling a bit shook up but mostly better. I have done what I needed to and now I just need to let it go.
We really felt like we needed to go back to the hospital to talk about our experience. During the time that I was waiting between triage and being seen I was alone (with my husband). Though we returned to the desk multiple times to let them know things were changing/progressing nobody checked on me. At the time I was focused on myself and my distress but in retrospect it bothers me. I felt completely uncared for.
Perhaps because I am a nurse I had conflicting feelings about the meeting. I am overwhelmingly sad that my profession does or can not care for people who are in physical pain and emotional distress. I would hope that if it had been me working that I could have and would have provided care. Emotionally at the very least. Having my vital signs taken would have made me feel somewhat cared for and taken 30 seconds.
I also felt badly because I kind of felt that I was going against my own people - nurses. I understand what a busy shift is like. What it's like to be short staffed and bursting at the seams with people who are sick and demanding. To work a night shift and not have slept the day before. The variables are endless.
Walking into the building where I left my babies was almost unbearable. More so that I had even expected. My body had a completely visceral response with back pain and uterine cramps while my head spun. I had to catch my breath.
The patient liaison was very nice. Since the Husband was unsure on the chronological details I had to tell the story myself. It felt like just yesterday. The liaison cried with us and wrote our story down. From here it gets taken to the ER manager who will pull my file and talk to people working the shift that night and determine if anything could have been done differently.
I don't want anyone else to go through what I did feeling like they were alone in a place that should be taking care of them.
The liaison did say that labor before 20 weeks cannot be treated or stopped. Which I knew. I am not assigning any blame for the outcome I had. She reminded us that in a perfect world there are two staff at the desk, one of whom is a reassessment nurse. But that when they're short staffed or busy that nurse if the first to be pulled, etc, etc. I get that. Really, I do.
My Husband asked if I wanted him to spend some time with me after the appointment as we walked out, me with tears I just couldn't stop. All I could say is "I need to get out of here". I went, alone, to the mall for some time alone and permission to buy myself a treat.
It's hours later now and I'm still feeling a bit shook up but mostly better. I have done what I needed to and now I just need to let it go.
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