Due date

Today is a special day. It's my due date. I have been mindful of the twins all day. Not in a tragic sort of way, but remembering them and my pregnancy with fondness. How I wish those kids would have joined our family here!  I wonder what they would look like. If they would be in NICU. Or if I'd be getting any sleep. It's kind of hard to fathom what life would be like. I miss them.

In reality they would have been born weeks ago. For that reason I didn't put too much emphasis on this, my due date. I did, however, turn the soil and water the trees we got in memory of them and was mindful of the little people they represented. I walked around the mall and looked at newborn clothes and wished I could have dressed them.  I snuggled my Boy a little more than usual.

But I also did something exciting!  My husband and I attended the fertility clinic for an ultrasound and we got to see our 7 week old baby's heart ticking away!  And that did wonders to turn our focus from death to life. How very blessed we are!

FET round 1

I've been a bit quiet about the direction of things as far as attempting to expand the family goes.  A week and a half ago we had a frozen embryo transfer done.  Yesterday I learned that this one didn't take.  We will give it another go before the lab shuts down for the summer.

I'm feeling okay with it.  I really didn't think this would be the one, for multiple reasons.  Doing a frozen embryo transfer was a walk in the park compared to fresh!  They timed it with my natural cycle and every step was easy.  Except that it didn't take.

Fingers crossed for next month!

Moving Ahead

I still think of my babies every day.  Sometimes it's a memory of them moving inside of me.  Sometimes it's the tattoo that looks back at me in the mirror.  And sometimes its a loving gesture or comment from a friend that reminds me that they care.

We returned to the fertility clinic a few weeks ago where they determined I should have further testing.  The time frame for the test I needed is one to three months.  I got in the first month.  Although it was much more painful than I expected or remembered from last time I had it done, the results were super!  No further surgery required and the green light to go ahead and give it another go!

Now I just have to put in some time before things are in order to move forward.  Our hopes are high!

2 Months

It has been two months since I went on the roller coaster ride that led to the early delivery of my twins.  Two months since I held them for the first and only time.

I've gotta say, I think I'm doing well.  I feel generally happy and optimistic.  I still think of the babies often and got a pretty tattoo on my right shoulder to be a constant, permanent reminder for me.

We went back to the fertility clinic to talk about trying again.  I won't lie - I'm eager to try again!  I was hoping we would get the green light right away but it turns out we need to do some further testing and perhaps undergo another surgery before forging ahead.  I was disappointed initially but at the same time I understand the approach from a medical standpoint.  I can't help but hope it happens on our own before we move ahead at the clinic.  What a gift that would be!  That being said, I don't think that "trying" is a great mindset for us yet and so we are just carrying on as usual and whatever happens, happens.

6 Weeks Postpartum

Today I had my routine post-partum checkup. I had a list of questions for the doctor.

Are the autopsy reports back?

- Somehow somewhere there must have been a miscommunication. No autopsy was done, only measurements and all of those seemed normal although both babies measured small for dates. My doctor was going to check if the bodies were still at the hospital to see if autopsy could still be undertaken but it's unlikely. This is very frustrating for me as we had had serious concerns about our baby girl early in the pregnancy.

Were the babies alive at birth?

- No. The birth process is usually too traumatic for such little ones, mine included. This gives me peace of mind because sometimes at night when my mind would run away with me I would wonder if they had been and torture myself about not holding them as they died.

What did the placenta pathology say?

- Infection found in the placentas and bits of tissue sent after delivery. My doctor is very sure that I contracted a bug which caused my membranes to rupture and delivery to occur. Nothing I could have done differently would have caused a different outcome. "It's a case of really bad luck"

Could the odd shape of my uterus have caused problems and could my cervix have been incompetent?

- Probably not. But next time we'll keep a closer eye on the length of my cervix just to make sure.

Can I be referred back to this doctor sooner than what my family doctor would usually request if we get pregnant again?

-Yes! The second I get a positive pregnancy test a referral should be fired to her office. This makes me happy. She is kind, compassionate, and knowledgeable.

I should hear back yet on whether the babies' bodies are still at the hospital and if autopsy can still be done. I'm expecting a phone call.

But otherwise, I think that kind of sums things up. Hopefully we can move forward from this and give it another go this summer.

Apology

We heard back from the patient liaison on Thursday. My chart was reviewed and discussed with the staff that worked on the night we came. Although it was a busy night they gave no excuse for not having a nurse visible/available at the desk during our wait and stated that they were sorry. That should never have happened and they took ownership for that.

That feels good.

Lucky

I get to hear this song almost daily. I'm the luckiest mama!