I'm enjoying a day off. This morning I brought my beautiful son to pre-school and then went home and did a light workout, started laundry, and sipped a cup of strong coffee while sitting in the sun on the deck.
This week marks my return to work and the two week date since losing the babies. My first day at work was almost impossible. I paced the floor at 6 AM wondering if I should go or call in sick. My heart pounded and tears filled my eyes. I convinced myself to drive to work, comforting myself with the thought that once I walked in the building, if things felt overwhelming I would let myself go back home. Everyone would understand.
I didn't end up going home though I did spend a good portion of the day crying. Just as I would gain my composure another person would stop by with condolences and a hug. I deeply appreciate everybody's expressions of care and concern for me and the shared feeling of disappointment and loss but I am seriously prone to tears. Lucky for me that tendency hasn't scared anybody off.
Two weeks post miscarriage has me feeling a bit better. I'm stronger, my color is better. I'm not as sad as I was. I feel like I'm either completely disconnected, especially in a crowd setting, or deeply sad with very little in between. But I am able to eat more, laugh with my son, and appreciate beauty around me. Sometimes I can talk about losing my babies without bursting into tears.
Progress. Slow but sure.
Some of the books I have read or the websites I've looked through talk a lot about feeling anger in regards to loss. I can't relate to that. As of yet (and I realize it may be kind of early) I have only felt deep, heavy sadness. And perhaps some feelings of guilt thinking of what I could or should have done better. I have yet to identify anger on this journey.
In a month or so I'll return to my OBGYN. I have a list of questions for her. I'm curious as to whether the autopsy and pathology results will give us any more information. Shortly after that appointment we'll return to the fertility clinic and talk about giving it another go. Our dream is still to expand our family and give the Boy a sibling. For now we will pursue that.
3 comments:
Val, I have not experienced this, but I know it is hard. These days you are allowed to grieve at your own pace, as weird as that sounds. I am very sorry for your loss and I am sending you prayers and best wishes on your journey to give the boy a sibling.
Sis, I don't have words for what you are experiencing right now, but my heart hurts with you.
I just want you to know, I am still reading and praying. I think about you a lot and I wish I was there to give you a real hug. Even also, I think you are amazing and I love you.
xoxo
Sis Aims
Love you! MOM
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