The Not-So-Happy Ending

I had a lovely day on Tuesday. I relaxed alone at home in the morning. Met a friend and her new baby around lunch time. Then spent the afternoon with my sister and in the city enjoying myself.

Then in the evening I started leaking light pink watery fluid. It didn't look quite like the subchorionic hemorrhage material that I was familiar with and that was still clearing itself out of my system. I called the doctor on call and she told me I could go in if things got worse or see her the following morning.

Things did get worse. I started having cramps. I tried to figure out if they were coming regularly or just plain cramps. I lay on my heating pad and shivered. I shivered so hard I shook the bed. I tried to let my husband sleep but woke him shortly after 1. I told him things weren't right. He told me I was burning hot. We contacted my dad who was on his way home from work so he could come sleep here and care for Isaiah.

We got up and got ready to go to ER. I passed a large clot and the cramps increased in intensity. My temp was 38.5C and I took some Tylenol.

Our experience as we waited in ER was less than satisfactory. There were 4 others waiting to be seen. As I sat there, I knew I was actually in labor. Everything about it felt wrong. I breathed my way through contractions and when they were every 2-3 min I told the aide (there were no nurses in sight at the desk) that I was quite sure I was having contractions, not cramps. Nobody came to check on me. Finally I could not get out of the bathroom because of pain and bleeding. My Husband told the staff. They told him that I was next and did not come to check on me. By the time my name was called I could not walk and my husband brought me in with a wheelchair.

Once I was in, the staff were great. I got large amounts of morphine that took the edge off the pain. The gyne resident came to check me and I delivered a tiny baby boy and girl right at that moment. The most painful part followed immediately after as she manually removed the placentas.

After things settled I went to the ward. I got treated with antibiotics and given painkillers as needed. I was able to rest a lot. The nurse who admitted me gave me a long hug that was the most healing thing I have ever felt.

The staff put a memory box together for us. It contains cards with the babies lengths and weights. A ribbon is attached to each that represents the lengths of the babes. Our little girl was a whopping 17 cm long - she was the longest! We got memory necklaces for each of them and little stones we can carry in our pockets to remind us of the babies. It includes the tiny clothes they wore and blankets they were wrapped in. We got a CD of photos of both babies.

My Husband and I saw them when they were cleaned up and dressed, wrapped in hand made blankets. We got to study the eyebrows on her and the fingernails on his hand that he had by his mouth. He had been sucking his thumb. We named them both and said goodbye.

I went home the evening of the following day empty handed. My hormones are crashing and my womb and arms are empty. Nothing feels right and I feel crazy. This, apparently, is normal.

We're fortunate. We have amazing family and friends who are constantly in touch and creative in showing their support. Phone calls, gifts, packages for Isaiah. Meals provided, live plants, notes of love. We have understanding bosses and colleagues who give us as much time away as we need.

We'll make it through. Once we're back on our feet we'll try again. We'll never be sorry that we conceived and carried those babies. And we'll never forget them even as our family grows and life returns to normal.