Dear Babies

My dear, beautiful babies,

Can it be? That only a week ago I heard your hearts beating so strongly, so distinctly different from each other but both perfect. A week ago I laid down and put your Daddy's hands over you and he felt you move. It was the first and only time he got to do that and it made his face light up.

We built our dreams around you as part of our family. We put off vacations and planned to a buy a van. Nothing was more important to us. We loved you as soon as we knew you were going to be part of our family.

I remember how tentatively I held on to you in the beginning. We had worries about you from the start. We worried about each of you individually as well as your effect on each other. We loved you fiercely and prayed for you to be healthy and strong. We went from ultrasound to ultrasound and rejoiced with our friends and families when they told us that both of you looked healthy. It was a different report than our previous scans told us - we were concerned about Baby B.

We were told we would lose one or both of you. Somehow you guys defied the odds. You proved everybody wrong. I got photos of you from the last ultrasound and I showed the world! I was just so proud and excited for you. I couldn't wait to hold you in each of my arms.

Just recently I told someone I wouldn't believe that I could have the two of you until you were in my arms. It must be too good to be true.

Then I got a fever. That invisible bug initiated a process that was unstoppable. I fought back with every ounce of my being. I fought to hold on to you. I wasn't supposed to be in labor.

Daddy and I held you after you were gone. We named you and cried. Baby girl, you were tall and we noticed your eyebrows and full lips. Beautiful boy, you had one hand clasped around the wrist of you other hand. My boy, you had been sucking your thumb. Do you know your older brother does that? So did your daddy. We cradled you. And then we gave you away.

You feel like a dream. A beautiful dream that crashed when I woke up. But you weren't. I didn't imagine you. I felt you move, saw you grow. I watched you living on an ultrasound screen. You were real. You were ours. You are always ours.

My heart is broken, babies. This pain that I feel is nothing you'll ever know. Nothing and nobody will ever make you feel pain or sorrow. All we have left is a box of memories. Foot and hand prints. Pictures. Blankets. I put our ultrasound pictures and the cards people gave us into the box and put it in a safe place.

My babies. I miss you. I can't count the tears I've cried. There is no measure for the pain of your loss. I know life will go on but life will be forever different.

Love,
Mommy