I would say that today was a bad day. Except that I don't think I've had a good day since I lost the babies on Wednesday. At this point my hormones are crashing, I'm quite anemic, and I feel empty.
Today when I was remembering my babies I wondered. Did they know that I loved them? Did they feel it when I placed my hands on them every night hoping to feels them move? Did they know I listened to their heartbeats as often as I could and sometimes just sat for 10 minutes listening to the life within mine? When I see them again will they know that I'm their mama? They never saw me and I never got to hold them, feed them, comfort them. How will they know me?
We've been surrounded by love. Things that have touched us have included notes, cards, care packages for Isaiah, tears, questions, meals provided, flowers, and more. I don't know how I could breathe if others weren't helping me. The pain and the emptiness is nothing I have ever felt before.
During my pregnancy I took medications as instructed. I had a large bleed that put the babies at risk. I shoveled the car out of the snow, carried my son up the stairs and went to the gym. I went to work and enjoyed hot baths and my heating pad. The babies thrived. Then a virus or bacteria found me and pulled me, and them, under. It just feels like my body betrayed me by going into labor when it shouldn't have. It just shouldn't have. My babies looked perfect. They had so much potential. They were fully formed. All they needed was time to grow and get stronger. Just time.
1 comment:
Val, I have no doubt your babies knew you loved them - what purer experience of a mother's love could there be than that of a baby's in her womb? And when you see them again, I'm sure they will know you - their Maker is the kind to make sure of that.
We can hardly wait to come and wrap our arms around you all. We and our church are praying for you. I'll call later.
-David
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