Friday, November 28, 2008
The thing is that my darling son does not sleep. He just naps. This week his average is 1.5 hr stretches. That mean that I haven't slept longer than an hour at a time in days. Most of the time he wakes up, eats, and falls right back asleep. But one night this week he cried, screamed, for 45 minutes. I woke my husband up for help, the baby and I both in tears. Yesterday I took him to a walk-in clinic thinking that perhaps he has an ear infection. Nope. Thus, I am so tired that I think the wind could blow me over.
Tonight is the last night we sleep in our house. This evening will be Bentley's last walk in the park and his last scamper in the front yard with his buddy Oscar. Those two will miss each other. Our cable has been disconnected. Boxes abound in every room. I don't even feel comfortable in my own house. Mail has already arrived for the new owners. I will miss our next door neighbors more than words can express. I know, I know, I can always come visit. But I'm afraid the quality of our relationship will change. She has become one of my best friends. My fish tank is empty. Some fish are being cared for by a friend. Others I just gave away. It's sad, seeing it so lifeless.
Tomorrow we work. We move and we clean. Isaiah will be watched by the grandmas so that I can focus. I'm just afraid that I'll be too tired to be effective. I know I can do this, I just feel like I can't. So I have to pick my head up, wipe the tears from my eyes, and put emotions aside. This is a good thing. I wanted to move. And one day I will sleep again.
But what I really wish for is this - A day at the spa, without my child, without my husband. With no work in front of me. With no moving to do. I wish it could all happen without me and that I could just show up at the end of the day, at my parents place (where we are moving temporarily until our house is done) with all the work done and all the goodbyes said.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
1. My baby had his first immunizations yesterday. Although he screamed, I think he handled it better than I did. This morning he has a fever and is feeling crummy.
2. I don't like my joints touching when I sleep. It's why I slept with a Teddy for so long. Now I use a more adult-ish small pillow between my elbows.
3. Not only do I not make contact with the seat of a public toilet, I also always flush with my foot.
4. I do a lot of reading and writing in the bathtub. Including most of my studying in University. The new house will have a jaccuzi. I shall reside there.
5. Moving day is 9 days away. I don't even feel at home in my home right now. I'm surrounded by boxes. I'm excited to be leaving the city, but incredibly sad to be leaving my neighborhood. The builders are a couple of weeks behind schedule, so we'll be moving in with my parents for a while. I have mixed feelings about this.
6. I'm trying to sell my 55 Gallon fish tank. There are 7 cichlids left. The other 6 are being fish-sat by one of my dearest friends.
7. The majority of the people I admire most are directly related to me.
8. I have been waiting 2.5 years to see a spinal surgeon. My back is worse than it used to be pre-baby, but better than I expected it would be. Low weight and strong muscle tone helps. I hate being crooked. I like symmetry.
9. I worry about getting to the gym once we live in the country with one car. I believe exercise is a powerful anti-depressant for me.
10. Thanks to those who commented/emailed me regarding my last post. You had some great suggestions and the support felt good. It's just neat to hear from other mums who have had similar situations.
11. Isolation and loneliness are my biggest struggles as a mom. I make an effort to get out to groups, but they are usually in the morning when we are recovering from our bad nights. Also, it just takes a while to feel like part of a group and make connections outside of it.
12. I still miss Ingrid like crazy.
13. I worry constantly lately. Hopefully that subsides once our major upheaval is over.
14. My dad is no longer a pig farmer. This week he emptied his barns. I'm kind of sad about that.
15. It amazes me how much the Husband loves me. And how much of an effort it is for him to display his affection for me. He keeps reminding me that we are a team and that despite my nightmares, he won't cheat on or leave me.
16. I wish I was the kind of person who always took time to do my toenails, read a book, or do some kind of needlework. I'm afraid I'm not patient enough to succeed at these things.
17. I'm afraid of starting a new job in April. I secretly think that I'm not smart or organized and that I made it through 4 years of University on luck, or multiple choice test taking skills alone.
18. I think the Church is it's own worst enemy. Church politics make my stomach twirl. Too bad something Holy has to be maintained by flawed Human Beings.
19. I love storms in winter. Not so much the summer variety.
20. I often wish I could pause life. I want my baby to stay a baby. In fact, I already miss his littleness more than I probably should. I want my parents and in-laws to stay young and healthy. I would give up a lot to keep my Grandparents around. But if I could change one thing, I would bring my brother and his family home, because I know this is where they long to be. And because I miss him. Our hearts speak the same language.
21. Being called lazy is the worst insult anyone could give me.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
He always latches on and works for a minute or two before figuring that he must be missing out on something. He sits up and looks for his Dad, the dog, or a sunbeam. If I don't help him sit up he complains. Loudly. Usually as soon as the milk comes down he is on to other more exciting things.
This evening I tried again with no success. I decided to make a bottle with formula and see how that would go. To my great surprise, he was thrilled and inhaled the two ounces I had prepared. He used to gag on formula...
Anyway, I'm just not sure what to do. Should I continue to try to nurse him? Am I trying to nurse him too often (every 3-4 hours)? Should I just pump and give him a bottle?
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Here is what Isaiah is up to:
- Weighs 16 lb 4 oz
- Loves anything with lights
- Can communicate what he wants without words. Clearly.
- Prefers to be put down and have his back patted when he is ready for a nap. No cuddles please.
- Likes sleeping on his left side or his tummy
- Loves trying new foods
- Enjoys touching faces of people he loves
- Sits confidently
- Moves around the floor quickly. It's not quite coordinated enough to call it a crawl - more like a scootch. Sort of like an inch worm. It gets faster every day.
- Is easily distracted and wants part of any action
- Laughs at the dog more than anything else
- Has light colored grey/green/brown eyes. They are still deciding.
- Has one blond hair in the midst of the browns
- Is still working on his first teeth
- Loves keyboards, remotes, and cell phones
- Reaches for the person he wants to hold him
- Likes to chew on his soother and occasionally sucks his thumb when napping
- Doesn't know what to make of other babies. They kind of freak him out. It's not his fault - we don't hang out with any other young mums and babies. I'm working on this.
Things I have learned:
- I am much more selfish and much less patient than I had previously imagined myself to be
- Go with whatever works.
- Don't listen too much to everyone else's advice. And don't let other people's judgements make or break your day.
- Time to my self is important
- Time alone with the husband is important
- It doesn't matter if the bed doesn't get made
- It does matter if I don't nap and eat properly
- Almost any job can be accomplished in day if it's broken down into small pieces
- My son's laughter can erase any hard feelings about the long, hard night that I'd felt only moments earlier.
He touches my face and makes soft sounds, looking at me in awe. It's amazing to feel so loved and so loving towards a tiny being. Sometimes I imagine expanding our family, and I think it must be impossible to love another as much as this one. Last night, I held him as he slept and stroked his soft head.
Don't grow up so fast, my boy. There is no rush.
Pictures to follow.
Monday, November 10, 2008
So I took to the 'net, searching the pages of classified sites. A few weeks ago I found a fridge. It's a beauty with 2 doors. 1 side is fridge, the other side freezer. It has a water dispenser and an ice maker. Not essentials for me, but convenient none-the-less. It was used a few months before it's owner had to move into a senior's complex. At $1400 brand new, I got it for $625.
After buying one appliance, the Husband got the itch. "Let's just go buy new," he said. He likes to accomplish things - check them off his list. And appliances were on the list. I refused, stating that we could buy a stove any time before moving and that we were in no big rush. If we couldn't find anything till shortly before the move, we'd consider new.
Then on Saturday I found it. A flat top Frigidaire, 3 years old and barely used. It was immaculate. We purchased it for $325. I was so excited! Did we ever luck out.
We can wait for the dishwasher. We can do dishes by hand for a year or so. We're not even looking for this one.
Yesterday we also purchased all of the lights for the house. We picked our paint colors. Now all we need to do is sit back and wait. Oh, and pack this house in our spare time. We move in just over two weeks. It's starting to feel real.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Yesterday night he woke up at 2 AM. I fed him. He woke again at 3 AM. I figured he couldn't possibly be hungry, so I patted his back for 15 minutes and he fell asleep. For fifteen minutes. I asked the husband to put him back to sleep. It didn't work. I dragged myself out of bed and fed the boy. He settled and fell back asleep.
At 4 AM he cried. And so did I. I told my husband that I would go feed him, and then put him up for adoption in the morning.
This morning he was up at 930. He nursed twice and had a big bowl of cereal in a two hour period before going down for his nap. Why is he so hungry??
I have a headache, the grumps, and a massage this afternoon. My patience is thin. My back hurts. My head is groggy. And I'm feeling sorry for myself. I know I'm not the only Mum who has gone through this, and I know it's just a phase. Eventually he'll sleep again. But in the meantime, I reserve the right to feel a bit cantankerous.
Monday, November 3, 2008
I hate going to the gym. The more I go, the more I think about my body. I can't walk past a scale without stepping on it. I look at my tummy and see the outline of where my baby used to live. It's round. It used to be flat.
So I have this love-hate relationship with the gym. Truth is, I can get a bit obsessed about going. This week the Husband issued me a challenge. Should I accept and conquer the challenge, a prize awaits me. Take one week off from the gym. Get my eating and sleeping on track. Take naps. Record my diet. Consume a balanced diet, high in calories. Focus on my health. Then resume exercising.
I'm going to do it!
Saturday, November 1, 2008
I don't claim to need as much order in my life as the Husband does. He's near diagnosable Obsessive Compulsive. But I already feel like things are out of place. The pressure is on. Next week the people who bought our bedroom set are taking it away. Where will I store my clothes? Laundry baskets, perhaps. I'm amazed at the clutter a mere two years in a place can accumulate. My new rule - If we haven't used it in two years, donate it!
The questions consume my mind. Is the U-Haul rented? Have we recruited enough help? What can we pack now? When can we move it over? When will the house be done? How long will we live with my parents in the meantime? Will we like it there? Oh, and what color do we want the kitchen walls?
I've been outside a lot lately, enjoying the sunshine and unseasonably warm temperatures. Most of the leaves are off the trees now and I noticed a thin layer of ice on the edges of the lake the other day. Everything is dying for winter. I talk to people in the park, watch my dog run down the leaf covered path, and enjoy feeling comfortable in my surroundings. It feels like grief to have to leave this place.
And I worry. What if my neighbors are terrible? What if nobody likes me? What if small town church politics affect our potential relationships? When people see me, will they remember the awkward girl I was in high school? Will they whisper about the girl they heard had been in a mental health facility? Or will I have a clean slate to start off with? I'm afraid of spending a whole winter inside, alone with my baby. I start to contemplate my return to work.
Maybe I could just close my eyes and sleep through the next six weeks. Besides, I'm so, so tired.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
These are the greatest toys ever!
Friday, October 17, 2008
He has been on my mind non-stop. And I suddenly realize that I regard him as a hero. He gave us top-notch pre-natal care, was at my side while I labored, and ensured a safe delivery of my only child. No wonder I hold him in such high esteem. Last time he saw me he said I could come back "next time" and he would be happy to navigate my next pregnancy and delivery with me.
But now he stands at the threshold of life and death. And all I can do is pray.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
I heard someone come up the stairs and did a quick shoulder check. Drat. Busted! She swooped in on me, taking the machine beside me. I smiled as she battered me with compliments. We talked about children, building houses, and business.
"Just let me know when you're ready to come back," she said. She told me that I was missed by clients and complimented my work ethic. If I wanted a break or to make a bit of extra cash, the job was waiting for me.
I drove home from the gym considering my options. A bit of spending money would be nice. A change of pace would be nice. I miss the clients too. I could do a few hours here and there, couldn't I?
Ten months ago she shattered my fragile self esteem with a short letter explaining that I was no longer employed by her. I cried for days. My feelings were hurt. For I am a people pleaser, and I was unhappy that she was unhappy. She said that I wasn't thinking logically since I had become pregnant. This topped off 3.5 years of tip-toeing around, keenly aware of her unstable moods and unpredictability.
The Husband knocked some sense back into me after I told him of the conversation. "You are NOT going to work for her again. You can work out with her, converse with her, and have a casual friendship. But you will not work for her again." He is so right, providing the backbone that I find myself missing sometimes.
After being walked on by this woman, why would I even consider going back? Why do I want her to like me? Why do I even care? And why am I not strong enough in my own personhood to stick up for myself? Why? What is it that drives me? I just don't know.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
She was nervous, I could tell. What should I say?
"Ummm, I don't really know," I said, giving her a chance to practice.
She read me a verse from the Psalms. She looked at her Mom. And then me.
"Can you leave me with this tract?" she said, handing me a pamphlet. I took it and smiled at her. Her Mom put her arm around her shoulder and they walked down the sidewalk.
Me: "Hello. I turned on my furnace yesterday and am getting no heat."
Guy: "Is this the first time you've turned it on this fall?"
Guy: "Did you turn the thermostat above the current temperature in the house?"
Uhhhh... do I SOUND stupid?! Would the Husband have been asked such a question? Seriously.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
But if he turns his head to look at something (like the fish tank) or reaches for a toy...
This is the inevitable result
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
We joined a bunch of other Moms and Kids for some down time. I hesitated to give Isaiah into Roselle's arms, thinking he might be shy. But it didn't seem to bother him. She promised to find me if he was having a hard time, so I went to the gym and found myself a table.
I loaded up on desserts for breakfast and was soon joined by 3 women I had gone to school with, and my piano teacher from high school. We had some casual conversation and then listened to a speaker remind us of how important Motherhood is. My brain had a hard time engaging, fluttering with wayward thoughts and imaginary fussy Isaiah noises.
An hour and a half later, I went to get my little guy. Lo and behold, he was fast asleep in Roselle's arms. He's not a cuddle to sleep kind of guy, so I was rather surprised (and impressed!). Roselle invited us over for lunch, which of course I couldn't pass up.
Over sandwiches and coffee we talked about mental illness, characteristics of good friends, and babies. Isaiah kicked and talked on the floor till he was hungry and then interrupted my carrot cake dessert to fill his tummy. He sat in Roselle's lap, gazing at her sleepily. So I packed him up and moseyed on to check out our building project.
The first floor of our walls are up and the second floor is in progress. I took pictures from the car, feeling rather like I was spying on the workers. The neighbors are putting up a huge fence. Looks like it'll be chain-link. I soon discovered why, when the lady of the house walked by with her two GREYHOUNDS and a little Yorkie. I guess Bentley will have friends.
And now, with a napping baby, I'm doing laundry and tidying. All my eyes want to do is drift shut. This weariness is incredible. He sleeps well. I don't know why I'm so tired. The dog needs to be walked. Supper needs to be prepped. And I'm planning a workout for tonight.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
You see, my parents are small time farmers. This has meant that they have had to be quite frugal. And tied to the business. Family vacations were short and infrequent as Dad had to get home to tend to the pigs. We would do day or weekend outings, and I remember one road trip to Blind River, Ontario. Dad runs his farm with a tight hand - he keeps close tabs on his budget and finds incredible ways to do things himself or save money some other way.
A couple of years ago my Mum saved some of the money she makes with Homecare and flew out to see my Sister in England. She enjoyed herself immensely. Dad couldn't go because he had the farm to take care of.
This year the farm has been struggling. There is no money in pigs anymore, and Dad made the decision to empty his barns. Suddenly he has a new found freedom.
So this year, for their birthdays, Jen and Paul sent them 2 all expense paid trips to see them in Berlin, Germany for two weeks.
I think Dad was flying before he ever stepped foot on the plane!
I am going to miss them. I call my Mum multiple times a day to tell her stuff about Isaiah, hear an adult voice, or grasp to keep my sanity when I'm frustrated. I threatened that Isaiah won't remember her in two weeks, but that wouldn't keep her home. I'm going to keep extra busy the next few weeks though. Tomorrow I'll head out to Mom's Morning out in the community that we'll be moving to. I'm a bit nervous as that's where I grew up, and well, you know how labels, stigmas, etc stick in your home community. Still, I want to meet people and build relationships in our neighborhood. And so, even though I'm irrationally anxious about it, I'll go. I'll probably really like it!
Also, I'll be blogging a lot more. I have a feeling people in Berlin will be checking in on my blog.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
The owner took issue with the abuse of her animal and kicked the old man in return. He then called the police. And now Animal Services loves our neighborhood.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Work on our new house started today. The Parents called to give us a progress report. Now that the work has started it's starting to feel kind of exciting. They should have it ready for us to move in to by December 1/08. Fast! It's a pretty extravagant Christmas present.
The Cuz, who has lived with us for a year, is moving out. As of Oct 1, she'll have her own bachelor pad. Sharing our house has been a pretty good experience that has taught me a lot. Mostly about myself. It will be good for her to have her own place. And good for us to have our own. But I will miss her.
I'm frustrated today that I'm not getting to the gym more often. Babysitting is provided for a small fee, but that hardly helps when I don't have a car. I'd like to be in there more regularly, putting on muscle mass. I suppose putting on any kind of mass would be positive, but if I could pick I would like it to be muscle. Also, it's great selfish time where I can forget about my Baby and direct my thoughts and energy into myself. I always feel better after. I wish I was the kind of person who could feel motivated to work out at home, but I'm just not. I do the occasional abdominal workout or free weight exercises at home and I get out for a walk with the dog most days. But it's the break and the getting away from home that I really like.
Speaking of focusing on myself, I'm dying to get a new hair color and cut. I'll get it cut next week and dye it myself at home. Also, I'm going to take advantage of the pedicure gift certificate the Oncology doctors gave me at Christmas last year. I can't wait!
I'm a champion procrastinator. Things I need to get done include cleaning the fish tanks and the bathrooms in the house, completing my Continuing Education stuff for my nursing career, and printing and organizing baby pictures. Things I accomplished this week that I had been procrastinating about: Making appointments with the dentist and the head doctor.
Now that Isaiah is sleeping, perhaps I should tackle an item on my procrastination list. Fish tanks, here I come!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Isaiah and his best bud
Saturday, August 30, 2008
For those requesting the link to the Mennonese Connection for pictures, here it is:
It has also been added to my favorites on the right side of your screen.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
1. The quirky neighbors. She is an Emergency nurse who is efficient but not compassionate. As a neighbor she wears her heart on her sleeve. He is a science and art teacher who wears shirts that say "Bite Me" and scruffy hair. Their son with Downs Syndrome sits as close to me as possible and checks my shoes. And doesn't do anything he's not in the mood for. Their dog is a Basset Hound, best friend to Bentley.
2. Small lawn to mow.
3. The sound of trucks gearing down on the Perimeter highway at night
4. Being able to walk to "On Location" video store. We will continue to be customers to this little family operation. I'd rather not support Blockbuster or Rogers. Besides, Chuck watches every movie and gives us honest reviews.
5. Squeaky stairs
6. My phenomenal public health nurse.
7. The Transit system.
8. Pizza delivery
9. Grocery stores close by. And malls.
10. The pool table. We decided we would never try to move pool table with 1 inch of slate on it ever again. It stays behind. And although we rarely play, I'll just miss having it.
11. The Regulars at the Park. Sasha, Charlie, Reggie, Sarah, Delilah, Bella are the dogs names. I'm not sure about all of their owners names to be honest. They meet for dog walking and general gab.
12. The park. We have walked miles and miles with our dog and our growing family. At all hours of day and night, depending on our shifts. There is a man made lake that is wonderful in spring but gross in late summer. The dog likes it no matter what.
13. Having a back lane.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Thank you for the zebra Auntie Lynds and Uncle Trav
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
The last few days have been a whirlwind of activity that makes my head spin. Family visits have been frequent. The Husband and his brothers went to work on the back yard. Now there is lush grass and a beautiful deck where there was once only gravel. Having the opportunity to sip a cup of coffee on the deck feels like a small bit of heaven. The house and the yard are beautiful. Even my flowers look good. I love this place.
Today Isaiah and I are enjoying a day at home. Too slow is bad, too fast is bad. It's been too fast lately and we need a couple of days at home to recover before we feel bored again. The morning and afternoon always pass quickly. It's the evenings that feel like forever when it's just the two of us doing what we do. Laundry happens almost every day, the majority of which is no longer the Husband's clothing. I still need to get a load going.
Isaiah is a bright boy. He loves to talk to strangers, one at a time. Too many people at once overwhelm him. He smiles and coos constantly and his fussy times are almost non-existent. Most of the time he sleeps well. Most recently he has started turning from his back to his side. He can spend hours studying a new toy and love to lay on his back and kick. He's such a pleasant kid. I'm one lucky mom.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
The question is, do I really want my child to play with blocks that contain the following warning?
Thursday, July 17, 2008
My dog has a busier social life than I do.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
But today the fascination returned. I saw the red high heel at the curb of the street. Alone with no partner. No feet to carry it. And my mind was full of questions. How could a person not realize that they lost one shoe? Where is it's partner? I'd love to know the story of how the shoe ended up alone and kicked to the curb, covered in dust.
I've had a secret desire for years. I'd love to photograph wayward shoes such as this one. It's not a practical hobby though as I'd often have to stop the car to take a picture and traffic just might take offense. But if I could, I'd collect photos of shoes on the street or tied together and dangling from hydro wires. With dates and locations.
I'd love to do that.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Hanging with Great Grandma
The weekend ended with a bang as Dad shot off fireworks. The grand finale consisted of a firework that tipped onto it's side, spraying colorful explosions into the trees. Maybe next time we'll secure them a bit better.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Meanwhile, I drove over to the hospital I used to work in. It was there that I received a positive pregnancy test. It was there that I started spotting at the end of a shift and went to Emergency. It was there that I had an ultrasound done that showed a beating heart at 8 weeks gestation. And it was there that my co-workers rode the emotions of disappointment month after month with me and then got as excited as I did when I conceived. I had to show him off!
Some of the best were working today. They were on my boy in a minute, examining him and cuddling him. It felt like a homecoming. I enjoyed my job there. It was often stressful, but the people I worked with were top notch. If it wasn't for such high gas prices, I would love to go back to work there.
Shortly after, I proceeded to a friend's place for breakfast. As we caught up on life, she casually mentioned that Jos, the ward clerk from work had died. Nobody had told me this news yet and it tugged at my heart. I often saw her at Cancer Care during her treatment of lung cancer and she was always full of hugs and praise. I remember how surprised I was to find out that she liked me. I never would have thought that when I worked with her.
Church was full. I saw another girl that I used to work with. She often brought Jos in for clinic appointments. I sat with her and handed her Isaiah. She held him as she sang and I watched the tears stream down her face as she looked at him, prayed for him and I could tell that he was helping heal her heart.
We joined Jon and his family for lunch. The girls played and asked questions about the baby. We admired new pups - only 4 days old. Presents were given to Isaiah. He was very grateful. He's a good baby that way.
On the way home we checked out Marble Slab Creamery. They make their own ice cream daily. I highly recommend it, but it does come fairly pricey. Yumma!
When we got home, I took the dog out to the front yard and watered the flower bed. The neighbor lady and her Basset hound joined us and we talked shop. She's a nurse as well. The neighbor across the street came out to give Bentley his Sunday treat of T-bone bits. My dog loves that man. I'm reminded how lovely our neighborhood is. I might never want to leave it.
I spent my evening cuddling my little man. He was plumb tuckered out and just happy to be in my arms. He lays against my chest, his eyes as big as a deer's, and blinks really slowly like he caught in the headlights or perhaps I had just rescued him from some terrible fate. I put away some clothes that are too small for him and felt a twinge of sadness. I miss my 5 pound bundle.
On a side note, the Husband made a new blog that will be primarily photos of Isaiah for friends and family to peruse. It's the Mennonese Connection (A combo of Mennonite and Guyanese) and you can find it at http://themennoneseconnection.blogspot.com/
Monday, June 23, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Saturday, June 7, 2008
Truth is, I can't do any of those things. There is only so much I can take on a couple of hours of sleep. Sometimes I hold my baby while he's crying and I cry too. Sometimes I feel jealous that the Husband can spend his evenings out with no concern about whether or not his baby is being taken care of properly while I stay home and feed, comfort, nurture our baby. Sometimes I don't have my teeth brushed or real clothes on by 4 pm. Some days all I never get a chance to make myself a real meal. Leaving the house is a huge ordeal. He hates his carseat and barely tolerates car rides. I am NOT cut out to be a single parent.
Then some days it all works. We sleep well. He doesn't struggle with tummy aches and enjoys laying on the couch and looking at things. He sits in his bouncy chair. I accomplish things. I shower, eat, and tidy. I might even prep a meal. Things flow and I figure I've got a handle on things.
The new normal, it turns out, is no kind of normal at all.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Most of the time I'm holding him, cuddling him. Both of us are on a learning curve and I fear we aren't always patient with each other. God, don't let me mess him up.
Last week the Husband was out of town on a course. I wasn't about to attempt a week alone with a 2 week old and a 100 lb dog that needs to be exercised daily. So I high-tailed it out to the farm. If you ever decide to have kids, stick close to your families. Mum soothed him, fed him, changed him, brought him to me. Plus made snacks and meals and entertained company. I decided to try just one night at home alone with him just to say that I can do this. Thousands of women around the world do this every day. Certainly I could handle just one night. At 11 pm I heard a cough and a stuffy nose. His cold got worse for the next few hours. I would put him down and he would cough and gag. His stuffy nose didn't let him breathe well so I laid him on my chest as I reclined. Finally at 2 AM I did all I could think of - I called my Mum. And she came. Immediately. She soothed him, fed him, changed him, rocked him. And I slept.