Monday, January 30, 2012

Status Quo

Ahhh... routine. It feels so good to be doing what I do. Balancing between work and home. I'm feeling generally well. Looking forward to what we'll learn on Friday's ultrasound.

It's living in the unknown (a place well known to many) that drives me nuts. If I knew what to expect, I could gather my strength and prepare to face it. But patience isn't a particularly strong point of mine and this wait and see approach is challenging.

It would be so great to de-stress at the gym. But that would be unwise. All I can really do is take care of myself. That's something I know how to do.

Saturday, January 28, 2012


Things have been relatively stable between posts. Generally I feel like I have my head on straight and am pretty at peace with how things are and how they may be.

This morning started rough though. I woke up feeling kind of fragile and shortly after that had another significant bleed. That's three in under three weeks. These last for a few hours, then settle down to a manageable level. I haven't returned to the hospital. I wish I could have another ultrasound to see what's going on inside but that won't happen unless things change significantly until next Friday.

Sometimes I'd just like to be done with this pregnancy and try again. I wish things would either get worse or settle. This in between stuff is tiring. Thankfully I have faith that things will work out the way they are supposed to, hope that things might get better, strength to cope with one day at a time and a fantastic network of family and friends.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Results from Ultrasound #2

Confirms what we were told about the first. Hydrops, polyhydramnios, a baby in distress. I hope he doesn't feel any pain or discomfort. Though nothing has changed, I feel stronger today. A good sleep and lots of support makes a load feel lighter. A strong fetal heartbeat encourages me that Baby A may still join our family 6 months down the road.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Initial Ultrasound Report

This morning started with another significant bleed. I decided to go to work, knowing that staying home with myself is the worst when I'm stressed. Should things get progressively worse I would present to Emergency. I work with a great group who is behind me all the time and are constantly lifting me up. I am blessed that way.

The day did get better. I was even able to sneak into the Obstetrics area and hear a reassuring heartbeat.

At 230 my phone rang. It was the specialist who had looked at our ultrasound report. Basically, he said, Baby B is swollen with extra fluid and has excess fluid around him (him = gender neutral). The baby is in heart failure and has a 98% chance of "self termination" before coming to term. We can't tell from the ultrasound (due to the hemorrhage) if the babies share a placenta or if they each have their own. If they each have their own and I miscarry Baby B earlier rather than later, Baby A has a fighting chance. The earlier Hydrops is diagnosed, the worse the prognosis. I have been unable to find a case earlier than mine - 10 weeks.

We will go ahead with a Nuchal Translucency scan next Friday. It won't fix anything but may indicate the presence of Down's Syndrome, major cardiac defects, etc. We might learn something.

My hope and prayer is that if Baby B can't hang on, that he go sooner than later and give Baby A a shot at a healthy start. This first trimester has been a roller coaster.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Getting Up to Date

It's been a long time since I've written at all. I contemplated giving it up entirely but, remembering that I have siblings that don't have facebook, and the intensity of my thoughts and worries I decided to revive it instead.

It's no secret that we had been trying for another baby for 3 years. We just wanted Isaiah to have a sibling so badly. It didn't come easy for us and we decided to seek assistance to accomplish our goal. Fortunately for us, we conceived after our first month of treatment!

An ultrasound at 7 weeks showed one baby. The chance of multiples is always higher with treatments. Then at 10 weeks I had a huge bleed and went to ER where I was told I was miscarrying, as I suspected. I returned the following day for an ultrasound and guess what I saw on the screen... TWINS! Both alive and kicking.

I've had a couple of scans since to check on their well-being. The first ultrasound showed that one has normal growth, and the other "hydropic". I did some research on what that might mean and scared myself! I have yet to speak to a doctor about the ultrasound report or the one following. Hopefully that happens this week.

Both babies are active with good heart rates. That is so very reassuring. But I think that carrying two doubles the anxiety. And frequent ultrasounds also seem to add to my concern. The fertility doctor I saw on Monday was reassuring, reminding me that nothing diagnostic can be measured in the first trimester as the babes are just too tiny.

One day at a time. Lots of rest, food, and being gentle with myself is all I can do for now. But I think anxiety might be a regular companion to me on this trip.