Sometimes I look around me and don't like what I see.
I guess it's the stage of life I'm in. People want to build families. It seems that almost everyone I know with kids the age of my Boy's have another one. Or two. Plus another on the way. My eyes seek out those with arms full or bellies expectant. Don't get me wrong... I'm happy for my friends who are excited about new lives. But I can't help but feel a mix of jealousy and sadness for myself and our family dreams.
Especially when...
I hear of one "unplanned". A marriage that seems headed for disaster. Sad relationships. Personal instability. Risky lifestyles. People who took steps to have "permanent" birth control in place and somehow things just happened. People who don't know what it's like to have to try.
That's when I have to remind myself. There are babies that are sick, like my darling niece. There are mamas that are dying even while their bodies are growing their babies, knowing their child will face life without a mum. Most of the couples who sit in the Fertility Clinic waiting room with us probably don't even have one.
We do. We have a healthy, vibrant little boy. He rocks our worlds. Our marriage is secure. We are generally happy. We just don't get everything we want, when we want it.
Seriously. We are so lucky! I just want to be luckier.... but when I put it in perspective it's easier. I believe we will. It's just a matter of time. A lot of time.
2 comments:
That's big stuff.
really big.
And it's okay to feel the sadness of things not being the way you wish. I know I would be.
And yes- you have a beautiful child.
It would be nice sometimes if life made sense.
And don't forget that pain can't really be compared or measured. It doesn't work that way. Your pain is your pain, not neccesarily made less painful because someone else has something to endure that is 'bigger'. And it's alright to feel it. You don't need to feel guilty. In the meantime, we will keep on praying and trusting that God IS good, and he can be trusted even when things don't make sense.
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