Ramblings

I've had a lot on my mind lately. I've even sat down to blog a couple of times. But what good is a post about my boy chewing up his crib, my new glasses, the gorgeous new fish tank, or the curtains that my Mum and I sewed together (ok, mostly Mum) without the picture to show for it? I don't know if it's a setting on my computer or a problem with blogger that prevents me from posting pictures or comments 90% of the time. I can't figure it out. But sometimes I get lucky.

My back has been bothering me. A lot. The muscles in my ribs tighten up and I feel like I can't take a good full breath. Add to that an almost 10 month old who is teething and getting over a cold who wants to be held at all times. But not by Daddy. Only Mama. I wonder if my spine is shifting and I get anxious about seeing the surgeon that I've been waiting almost 3 years to see. I guess it's good that I'm not breastfeeding with the amount of medication I've been taking for relief.

Regardless, I feel guilty sometimes that I'm not nursing the boy. Like I'm not giving him all that I could be. He wouldn't take it now if I offered but I do pump a small amount daily and add it to his bottle to give him some of what formula can't. I miss the closeness. He's not a cuddler. I usually can't rock him to sleep. He'd rather be in his crib, on his tummy, sucking his thumb. Usually he doesn't even protest when I leave the room. He is sleeping in 3-4 hour spurts now, which is twice as long as a couple of months ago.

Sometimes he does fall asleep in my arms and I want to hold him forever. I look at the crescents his dark, long eyelashes make as they fall on his cheek. I kiss his soft spot. I stroke his fine brown hair. I think that I would be pregnant a hundred times for the privilege of knowing my son. I just don't want to put him down because I know. I know that tomorrow he will be bigger

Last week we had the insurance nurse come out. We've applied for life insurance. They probe into every corner of people's lives. I had to drag the skeletons of my past out of the closet. Memories that I would like to forget and times that I would like to erase flit across my mind. I know my history will ensure that I don't get the best rate. And I don't care so much about that. I just hate muddling through it.

My weight has slowly and surely been rising. I'm working hard at it. My doctor, my family, and my self are glad about that. The energy I expended breastfeeding and baby bouncing reduced me to bare bones with a bit of muscle. I'm doing the opposite of weight watchers, my doctor says. I get stars for gaining weight.

My mind is starting to shift. In less than 2 months I'll be back at work. As of yet, I have no job. My term position expired during my maternity leave. I've started applying for some. It will be part time. Daycare has been arranged. Now I need a job and transportation. We'll have to invest in a second vehicle.

We have finally met a neighbor that isn't a prairie chicken or the pigeons wanting to nest in our not-yet-screened-in porch. She has an 8 week old daughter at home. Also recently two others I know had baby boys. I've been talking with them a bit and I've noticed how many people get negative advice from other Moms. It drives me crazy that we can't just encourage each other. There are so many things in pregnancy and parenthood that are grey. It's okay for people to feel and practice different things. I don't understand why people feel the need to criticize. It doesn't ever help anybody.

I think that's about all I had to unload tonight. Off to my heating pad and zzzz-land for me.