Body Wars

The first time I recall being aware of my body shape was when I was 12 or 13. Mum had bought (or sewed?) a new dress for me and I was fitting it on. The hem didn't fall straight. We adjusted it back and forth before mum realized that the dress was straight... it was the girl who was crooked.

Ever since I was diagnosed with scoliosis, I've been somewhat body conscious. In high school I wore hoodies to hide my uneven shoulders. In my early adulthood I waged an all out war on my body. I misused my body in more ways than I care to recall. I saw the body as separate from the mind. I wanted to be stronger than my body's needs and desires, seeing it as an enemy to be defeated. I thought if I could live above the demands of my human form I would somehow reach a higher level spiritually. I wanted my body to be a slave to my mind.

In Guelph I started tackling this issue, but never really identified it. I learned to be gentle with myself when I was angry. To eat when I was hungry, relax when I was tired. Shortly after, I met The Husband who taught me that it was ok to wear clothes that fit, encouraging me to wear clothes that made me feel good about myself.

I just realized and recognized what I've been doing, over the last week. After a yoga session, the instructor told us to lay down, recognize the hard work our bodies had just done for us, and thank it by resting before scurrying off. I'd never thought of my body as a strong and capable vessel before. I'd only eve wanted to dominate it. How much stronger and healthier would I be if I could integrate the two? This is my new goal. It won't be overnight, but just recognizing it feels like a pretty good start to me.