Church Things

Last night the Husband and I went to a church thing. Most of the time, I like church things. Not everything and not all the time though. The music last night was great. The drummer, phenomenal!

We go to a Bible thumping, miracle believing, hands in the air kind of church. It's as pentecostal on a Tuesday night as anything you've ever seen. One service a month everyone just lets loose. Sundays are much more structured.

I come from a conservative Mennonite background. Self control is key. Clap during a song that you find particularly inspiring and looks get sent your way as if to say "you are SO worldly." Other worldly faults include: praying out loud when someone else is praying, dancing, drinking wine, and generally having too much fun. I hear this church has relaxed somewhat since I left many years ago and even *gasp* has drums in their Sunday services!

I think I fit somewhere in the middle. I have a quiet faith that's personal to me. It's not the same as everyone else's, it's an individual fit. I'm not uptight about rules and I don't like judging people or their actions. I don't like to sell what I believe to others any more than I enjoy an Amway person trying to get me in on their pyramid. And trust me, I'm more afraid of these kinds of schemes than I am of the end of the world. Actually, it's more of a hatred. I'd rather sit naked in the middle of a field in a thunderstorm than have an Amway rep hit me up. But that's a different post. I do like to live what I believe, not sell it.

I like that our church lets realizes that not everyone shares all parts of their faiths. I like that we can have variety and diversity. I love the small group we've found a home in. I love the fact that I can attend a church without ever hearing any gossip or church politics. I HATE church politics. The main speaker is funny and talks about things that are relevant to my life. It's great that they have a service on Saturday as well as Sunday for us shift working types. It means we can actually participate. I like walking in sometimes and having no one recognize me. I also like being recognized sometimes.

But sometimes. Sometimes I don't want to go to the front to ask for healing. My spine may be twisted, and trust me, I've asked for a miracle. I also believe I received one and that my emotional healing is a bigger gift than physical ever would be. I can't pray out loud when everyone else is praying out loud. I can't "speak in tongues". I'm not even sure what that's all about. When a pastor asks us to turn and touch the person on our left and pray for them, all I can think of is "someone I don't know is touching me". When the crowd is told to come to the front for whatever reason, I just might excuse myself and go to the bathroom or wander the halls for a while. When a song is played over and over and over again and people get louder and louder, I stand uncomfortably in my quiet waiting for it to be over, wondering if there was a pill I was forgetting to take before entering the sanctuary that would give such ecstasy.

I don't know that any "institution" as such would fit me perfectly. And I'm okay with that. As long as we agree on the important things that bring us together, I feel ok about not fitting in entirely. I like being my own person. It reminds me that I'm not a carbon copy, that I have my own brain. I think worship is personal and there is no right or wrong way. I believe quiet is as effective as loud. And sometimes, if I need to walk out of a service for a while, that's okay too.