It's the uncertainty that consumes me. It pushes me to the edge of reason and my grip on sanity slips. My mind refuses to focus, as unwanted thoughts tiptoe into my subconscious before breaking in to my thoughts, conversations, and actions like a thief in the night. Thoughts intrude at work, in the car, as I try to fall asleep. Words slip out in conversations, betraying my privacy.
During the days in between, nothing is certain. Questions rule my life. My faith shakes like a leaf in the storm. Hopes begins to grow only to have dark clouds gather and winds blow, strangling the life hope offers. The best and the worst vie for first place in my thoughts. Often, the worst comes out on top.
The days in between symptoms and diagnosis. Rain and sun. Seeding and harvest. Unemployment and a job. Empty arms and a baby. Failure and success. Loneliness and relationship. Dependence and independence. Questions abound as I demand that God show me favor in an unfair world.
Then it comes. The answer. Good news, or bad. At least now I know. My thoughts settle. I sleep easier. Now I can make a plan. Direction can only be found if I know my starting place. And I can hang on to the delusion of control just a little longer.
It's the limbo that drives me to the edge....
5 comments:
i totally agree. especially when we are crazy enough to think we are in control.....its hard to step back and submit over your trust, hope and sense of uncertainty in a world with many shades of grey......ur man!
Wow Val. You said it in such a beautiful, poignant way. Thanks.
So many times in my 5 or so decades of life I have been remminded that we have an anchor in Christ which is most effective when it is invisible b/c it is so deep
correction - reminded
Remember that you are in good company -- Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth, Rachel -- and as I read their stories, none of them found this an easy journey -- praying for you that God will answer your prayers (and ours) like He did theirs. And peace for you in the meantime! Love MOM
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